Cardinals Friday Meeting

Scene: Busch Stadium locker room. Tony Larussa is standing in front of Pujols, Holliday, Wainwright, and Carpenter.

LaRussa: Ok guys, that loss yesterday was brutal, we can play better than that. You guys are the leaders of this team, what are we gonna do to prevent that from happening again?

Wainwright: Get me a new arm?

Carpenter: Get me a defense?

Holliday: My stomach hurts.

LaRussa: Shut up, Matt.

Pujols: We lost?

LaRussa: Yes Albert, we lost. In large part cause of your grounding into 3 double plays.

Pujols: I promise I won't hit into three double plays for you next year...

Carpenter: This is my fault. I knew if I didn't throw a perfect game we'd lose.

LaRussa: You did fine, it's not like you gave up a bomb with 2 outs in the ninth...

Franklin (poking head in door): I heard that.

LaRussa: Sorry Ryan.

(John Mozeliak runs in the door crying and kneels at Pujol's feet)

Mozeliak: Please Albert, please don't leave. If you stay I'll name the team after you, I'll make LaRussa apologize for the 2007 all-star game, I'll give you my firstborn child, I won't tell that you use ster..

Pujols: Whats that?

Mozeliak: Nothing.

Holliday: My stomach hurts.

LaRussa: Shut up, Matt.

Schumaker: Hey guys, have you seen my shake weight?

Carpenter (picks up and tosses "shake weight for women"): Yeah, here.

(Schumaker drops it)

Pujols: Didn't you used to play outfield?

Wainwright (to Mozeliak): Can we trade him for a closer?

Mozeliak: I've tried, every other team realizes his value as a triple A backup.

(Rasmus enters)

Rasmus: You guys see that Reds walkoff?

LaRussa (to Mozeliak): I told you he's a traitor! He's a cancer to our team, trade him.

Mozeliak: I've tried, every other team realizes that he's an outfielder full of potential that he'll never reach, is injury prone, and the ladies love him but he is really only good for a 2 week hot streak, and beyond that is utterly useless.

Carpenter: Like J.D. Drew?

Mozeliak: Not even that good.

Pujols: Like Rick Ankiel?

Mozeliak: Ok better than that.

(Theriot enters)

Theriot: I'm gonna put up a big sign that says "The Riot" over my locker! How cool is it that my name spells the words, the and riot?!

Rasmus: Woah, you're right it does!

Pujols: You didn't know that?..

LaRussa: They don't teach reading and writing until 8th grade in Georgia. Colby didn't get that far.

Theriot: Roll me that duct tape will ya Waino?

(Wainwright rolls the duct tape over, Theriot fumbles it under a table and down a vent)

(Enter Mike Shannon)

Shannon: Hey boys ha ha. Listen to er this here er joke I found on the world wide web ha ha. Apparently you’re not allowed to bring an I-Pad into Yankee Stadium. Which means if you want to look at an expensive, overrated slab at a Yankee game, you’ll just have to watch A-Rod. ha ha. ha. ha ha ha.

Wainwright: What'd he say?

Holliday: My stomach hurts.

Carpenter: I thought he wasn't allowed in here when he's drunk?

Pujols: But then he'd never be allowed in.

Carpenter: Exactly.

(Shannon passes out in a locker)

LaRussa: Lets get out of here before he wakes up.

(LaRussa and Wainwright sprint to the door. Carpenter pulls a groin getting up too quickly, while Pujols jogs making sure not to break a nail.)