The Pujols Deal from a Tax Perspective

Surprisingly enough, Mark and I have friends. Today we're proud to publish what was originally a facebook note by our mutual friend Ben. I won't speak for Mark, but this post requires about 100 times the brain power that I possess. So put your thinking caps on, and enjoy this guest writer's law school perspective on Albert Pujol's decision.

Baseball's Greatest Rarity

In Major League Baseball's treasured "modern" history (1900 and after), numbers are everything.

A player has hit for the cycle 293 times.
There have been 272 no-hitters throw in major league history. (Sorry Justin Verlander, you were just short of 273.)
A pitcher has thrown an "immaculate inning" (3 strikeouts in 9 pitches) only 45 times. (Some bizarre people on this list.)
Pitchers have combined for only 19 perfect games. (Phil Humber most recently.)
After Josh Hamilton obliterated the Orioles, only 16 players had 4 home runs in a single game.
Only 15 fielders have turned unassisted triple plays (twice it ended a game, once it happened in the World Series).
A miniscule 13 sluggers have hit two grand slams in a single game. (Fernando Tatis did it in an inning.)

These are incredibly rare historical feats. Their scarcity is reflected in the numbers. Let me drop an even rarer number on you. Something currently more rare than unassisted triple plays and four homer games.

Top Fantasy Flops

A picture of Nyjer Morgan getting clotheslined? Yes please.

When you need ideas for post topics, you think of what you know and are good at. After assuming no one wants to read about the St. Louis Blues, I decided that whining about poor fantasy baseball performances was something I'm supremely talented in, and everyone could relate to. So break out the tissues and have a good cry, or take pleasure in others misfortune. Here are your top fantasy baseball flops of 2012 thus far:

Friday Fisticuffs: St. Louis Cardinals Edition

lilithnews.com

Welcome to the first of hopefully many Fisticuff Fridays! Each Friday Mark and I will face off in some sort of contest that divides readers at greater than Democrat vs. Republican levels. This week we play "closest to the pin," predicting what some of the Cardinals stat lines will look like at the end of the year. We may or may not have also predicted Mr. Pujols end of the year results. Cause they're hilarious ... -ly bad ... for him. I miss you Albert. 

Outfield Chatter

angelsarms.org

Attending sporting events is quickly becoming a thing of the past. Why leave your big screen HD TV to pay $15 or more for a ticket and equally as much for food? You can cozy up on your couch, watch the game, eat pizza, and stare at your fantasy team as it goes 0-24 on your laptop. 


Well last night I was reminded just how great attending a baseball game can be. Sometimes I'm hesitant to pay for the trouble of attending Cardinal games. After all, baseball can be a mixed bag of excitement, or lets be honest, plain boredom at times. Its tempting for me to stay home and yell at Jason Heyward for going 0-4 ... again. I don't have that temptation during hockey season. To me, hockey is all action all the time (besides those pesky 17 minute intermissions). When you attend a hockey game, you're so caught up in the gameplay, sometimes you forget that you actually came with friends. Baseball on the other hand is basically a social gathering. Talking with people can be most of the fun; oh and baseball is being played in the background. 


Tuesday night sitting in the outfield bleacher seats at Busch Stadium proved to be great not only cause of a 4-0 victory, but because of some great conversations. They eventually led to many questions, most of which you've probably asked yourself before, but they still need answers.

For the Love of Castro!



I found the semi-recent Ozzie Guillen/Fidel Castro storyline quite laughable. Some pundits said the MLB's suspension may have violated Ozzie Guillen's First Amendment rights. Others sports' experts thought he wasn't punished harshly enough. Personally, my thoughts gravitated towards Guillen's complete (and in my opinion humorous) obliviousness towards his situation.

He didn't realize he was managing in a city with a huge population of Cuban immigrants, who generally hate Castro? That his words would be published and dissected by every sports writer, broadcaster, and talk show host in the country? That using the words 'love' and any dictator's name in the same sentence is generally frowned upon in "Amuricah"?

Eventually, I began to wonder at what point in his verbal quagmire would Guillen have avoided suspension? If he had said he loved apple pie? Chevrolet? Baseball? Then I just thought of stuff that Ozzie should have replaced Castro with within the sentence "I love Castro". Then my mind further wandered to things that would have gotten ole Ozzie in to further trouble.

World Series Game 2 Diary: St. Louis Cardinals vs. Texas Rangers

6:27 - Put a cheeseburger pizza in the oven. It's gonna be a good night. The girlfriend is also in attendance on the basement couch for tonight's game. Hopefully, this doesn't throw off the loner karma that worked so well for the Cards in Game 1.

World Series Game 1 Diary: St. Louis Cardinals vs. Texas Rangers

6:45 - The story has been repeated over and over. Improbable September comeback. Improbable post season wins, etc, etc. This diary will be heavily biased in favor of the Cardinals, just as a head's up. A. I can't believe I'm here, watching the World Series with my favor team in the world about to play. B. My initial reactions to playing Texas in the Series were definitely very middle of the road. I didn't think we'd kill them and I didn't think they'd kill us. I guess we'll see...

The Dog Days of Summer

In the last few weeks in sports, we've crowned champions, drafted a Dunking Ninja, watched Roger Federer do something he's never done (and it wasn't good), and seen two leagues' negotiations progress with the kind of monotony only reserved for root canals. After the dust kicked up from Wimbledon's courts settles, we will be left with a seemingly barren sports landscape in the middle of the hot and humid summer. Of the four major professional sports in the US, only one dares to march through the hottest months of the year. The two best (in my opinion) golf tournaments of the year have already happened, the US men's soccer team will go into a long hibernation, and the last tennis major won't be played until Labor Day.

The Darkness Before the Dawn

Bare with me and allow me to be the 132704th person to write about the Cardinals heading into the Albert Pujols-less portion of their schedule. When a friend of mine received the bad news a few days ago, he sent me a text that read a little something like this: "Shit shit shit shit." Those words only ran through my head as I watched Pete Kozma get a little too ambitious with a throw from the middle hole of the infield and Pujols get his arm slightly snapped by Wilson Betemit running to first base. But as the news set in that Albert would be missing 4-6 weeks, my anxiety levels weren't all that high. Cardinal Nation began to become a worrisome bunch, especially since this news was following a recent 7-game skid that included getting swept by the under-whelming Washington Nationals. However, to steal a few words from Pink Floyd, "I have become comfortably numb," - though in this case it's without all the hallucinogenic drugs - with the Cardinals' situation. I have felt no panic or worry about the team. Let me give you a few reasons why.

A Six Legged Take on Big Z

Carlos Zambrano is up to his usual antics, spreading hostile words like a plague across the hapless Chicago Cubs' clubhouse.

When you look up the term "clubhouse cancer" in the sports dictionary, Big Z's frowning face would be starring into your eyes, making you wonder if he was going to pop out of the page and kill you for even considering that he would ever throw a ball outside the strike zone. The man is infamous for his outbursts, his murdering of water coolers, his ejections, and the blame game he always loves to play with his teammates and the only franchise he's ever known.

Beware of the Brew Crew

Tell me if you've heard this before:

"The Reds are going to win the National League Central."
"The Reds have great young pitching. All of their starting pitchers are quality."
"The Reds have the best lineup in the league. Every position in their order can hit for power and there is speed everywhere."
"The Reds blah, blah, blah, they're better than the Cardinals and any other team in the Central and will walk away with the division."


After the first almost two months of the 2011 baseball season, I think a few comments are safe to make about the above statements I either read or heard during the off season. One, the Cardinals aren't going anywhere anytime soon. They have compiled a 30-21 record (as of May 26th) without their ace pitcher and with the most consistent hitter in the game going through a strange slump which includes him batting about 68 points below his career average and grounding into more double plays than the fat guy in that old school little league baseball game on the original Nintendo. Two, the Central division is, once again, relatively weak contray to those who thought the Pirates would be solid contenders. They just don't have the pitching yet. Combined them with the completely unwatchable Astros and the hapless Cubbies and the lower tier of the division rivals the NFC West in disgrace to the sport factor. Three, this division isn't going to be a two horse race. I've said it since they acquired two good pitchers in the off season and I'll say it again: the Brewers are going to be at or near the top of the division come September and the Cardinals and Reds better be on high alert.

That's right Cardinals fans (and I guess Reds fans, though I don't think any Reds fans have been reading this), you better beware of the Brewers. They have won 6 games in a row, taken 2nd place from the struggling Reds, and have a healthy starting rotation. I've been telling my fellow co-writer/editor that the Brewers were going to be a factor in this race even before the season started because of the additions of Greinke and Marcum, both of whom were moving from the AL into arguably baseball's weakest division. And while Greinke really only has one year of stellar pitching on his resume, I don't think many people doubt he has the goods to be a highly successful major league pitcher. Shaun Marcum, who was stuck in the pitcher's worst friend, the AL East, for the first part of his career, finds himself in an extremely favorable situation as reflected by his current stat line: 2.37 ERA, 1.02 WHIP, 6-1 record, and a 4.13 K/BB ratio. Meanwhile, the assumed ace of the staff going into the season, Yovani Gallardo, is finally finding his groove after a rough start, posting a 4-0 record with 29 Ks, 1.66 ERA, and 1.00 WHIP in his last four starts. The front three of that rotation would eat up any lineup during a three-game series.


The biggest threat right now to the Brewers being a serious competitor come September might be their inability to win on the road. With a 8-17 road record in the first two months of the season, doubters could certainly point to this stat and say with confidence Milwaukee won't be there when all the chips are on the table. However, I think they have the pitching and the offense to compete with the Reds and the Cardinals, regardless of their atrocious start away from Miller Park. Defense could be one of their major concerns but its currenlt hard to fault a team on defense when the Cardinals look like an 6th grade little league team every other game in the field and are still 9 games above .500.


The major reason I believe in the Brewers ability to compete for the season's entirety is because they have two established stars in Ryan Braun and Prince Fielder (one of whom is playing for a contract), solid 2nd-tier contributors in Rickie Weeks, Casey McGehee, and Corey Hart, an above average front-end of their rotation (as discussed earlier), and a respectable (though not perfect) closer in John Axford. These are all the components contenders USUALLY have and utilize to make a run at a divisional title.

Now, obviously, the Cardinals and Reds might have something to say about it. I merely wanted to point out that this is no longer a Cold War of two superpowers (a la the USA and the USSR). The NL Central has become a three-headed hydra headed for possible self-destruction. Head-to-head games will play a key part in the deciding of the divisional champion. And as we saw last year, the ability to destroy the weaker teams in the division may be the most important part to the championship equation of all. And though I honestly can say I know somewhere in between very little to nothing about Brewer's manager Ron Roenicke, I can safely say I trust him over Dusty Baker. And this is where Cardinals fans may find the most hope. The massive strategical advantage they have in the dugout with Tony LaRussa at the helm.

If the race comes down to the last few weeks, the managerial advantage will become most evident. If this is the case, barring any major injuries, I foresee the Cardinals winning the division. However, there are still a lot of games to be played between now and then. I just wanted to give a heads up to Reds and Cardinals fans alike.

Watch out for those beer-loving Wisconsonites and their hops happy franchise, because Miller isn't the only thing that's brewing in Miller Park these days. A divisional race is as well.

All Time Favorite Obscure Cardinals Players

Watching Pete Kozma hit an RBI double in his first major league at-bat got me thinking. Really, it was his name. It was like a hybrid of Cosmo Kramer's two names: Kozma. And then it got me think of those guys who get a few at-bats in the majors and disappear. This is not to say that Pete will suffer a similar fate to Archibald Wright "Moonlight" Graham. It just made me think of Hector Luna and Luther Hackman. Those Cardinals that weren't really that good but who stuck with you or just make you chuckle when you hear their name (for example, Estaban Yan). So, in honor of that though, I bring you my ten favorite obscure Cardinals. They must have had no particularly great success and not played more than three seasons with the team. Also, my comprehension of baseball stated in 1996 so they had to play sometime after that. Besides that, making this list was quite easy as you will see.

In no particular order:

Jason Simontacchi (2002-2004) - He was actually pretty solid for us for a few years as a back-up starter and sometimes bullpen pitcher. Basically made the list because of his last name and his memorable socks.

Einar Diaz (2005) - A classic scrappy backup catcher of the Tony LaRussa Era. Nothing too classic about his except the fact that he was used in emergency situations in many a MLB Showdown game.

Gene Stechschulte (2000-2002) - A relief pitcher with an awesome last name. The reason he made the list is I remember watching him hit a home run in a rare plate appearance which also happened to be his first career major league at-bat.

Keith McDonald (2000-2001) - A catcher who I think ended up playing in like 10 or 15 games for the Cardinals. He also homered in his first career at-bat as a pinch hitter in a game. Then, homered in his second career at-bat, a feat I think is more rare than the unassisted triple play. It was all the more memorable because I was at the game he hit the second home run.

Shawon Dunston (1999-2000) - Actually a pretty decent player, he was a part of one of the most vivid Cardinal memories I have: the Moth Game of June 22nd, 2000. With Busch Stadium being swarmed by moths due to something in the field's grass, Dunston hit two late-inning home runs, the last of which bounced off Barry Bond's glove in left field to pace the Cardinals to a come-from-behind victory.

Chuck Finley (2002) - For some reason, I've always had a strong affinity towards Chuck Finley and was absolutely tickled when we got him near the trade deadline to aide us in a divisional race. I always remember that he is one of the few pitchers to have ever thrown 4 strikeouts in 2 different innings in his career.

Rick Honeycutt (1996-1997) - One, his name is really cool (and yes, that is really important when it comes to making this list). Two, he was a vital part of my unbelievable season in Ken Griffey Junior's Baseball 1997 for GameBoy. I played all 162 games and went something like 120-42. And Honeycutt had a nasty breaking pitch.

Ray King (2004-2005) - Mostly for the physical comedy that accompanied every time Ray trotting from the bullpen to the pitcher's mound. And that his nickname was Burger. And that I saw countless signs at Busch in a short two year span that referenced said nickname. Good times.

Heatcliff Slocumb (1999-2000) - Well, I think you can guess why he made the list. That's right, awesome name. Really, besides that I can't remember too much. Except that an old childhood friend of mine would always pretend to be him when we were pretending to play baseball in his basement. But once again, this was probably because his name was fun to say.

Fernando Valenzuela (1997) - The only person on the list to make it because of the just plain strangeness of the circumstances. He was a cardinal for such a short time but its still an interesting trivia question. Who was the last team Valenzuela played for? The St. Louis Cardinals. Let's just say that we didn't quite catch Fernando-mania here in the Midwest.

First John and Mark Podcast

Apologies for some of the random crappy-sounding noises. I'm currently working on making the overall sound quality much better and "listenable". Our next one will be much neater both audio-wise and content-wise. So just don't let the first attempt discourage you from listening to future podcasts.

When Life Gives You Lemons, You Make Albertade

A lot has been made about a certain hug between two people in the last forty eight hours. Since I'm usually a pretty optimistic person, I figured I should make light of the situation and have fun with it.

This is, of course, the aftermath of the now infamous hug between Pujols and Chicago Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry. The following are what I believe are the most likely conversations the two men had.

_________________


"Here's lookin' at you Jim."


"Sure! I'd LOVE to play for the Cubs." (winks at Yadier Molina standing behind Hendry)


"Boy oh boy! A real baseball player has finally decided to come to Wrigley Field! Can I have your autograph Mr. Pujols?!"


"So this is why they call it the friendly confines..."


"Jim. You better hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife. Cause I be going 4-for-5 up in hurr."


"You know what they say Jim... It gets harder after the 3rd MVP award."


"Albert, I was wondering if you could lend me some money for an investment.... You see, Soriano said we could extend his contract another 2 years for only 30 million! We can't pass up this deal! Please, help a brother out!"


"You know, 25 home runs, 64 RBIs, and a 1.002 OPS at Wrigley isn't too bad is it Jim?"


"Did you know I have only hit 47 home runs against the Cubbies... ONLY 47!! I'm slacking here Mr. Hendry!"


"Wait?! You really paid Carlos Pena $10 million to flirt with the Mendoza line all season. That's a joke, right? Oh, its not a joke? Well either way that's HILARIOUS!"


"So I says to Dusty, I say, "Dusty, let me tell you something. No one could burn out young arms like you could." And then he tried to shove one of those toothpicks up my nose! Can you believe that?"


"What'da'ya think about that Fukudome?"
"I'd say you overpaid by about a billion yen."


"So Albert, how do you like Wrigley Field?"
"I mean I enjoy hitting here, but the ivy makes my allergies act up."


"What was it like hitting that home run off of Brad Lidge in 2005?"
"Well Jimbo, I never told anyone this but I just closed my eyes like this and hoped for the best."


"How do you do it Albert?"
"Well, you know, I just try to put a good swing on the ball and work hard on every pitch. I just wanted to help my teammates out and put a good swing on the ball and it just happened to be a home run. I just tried to put a good swing on the ball."


"Hey Albert! Take it easy on our boys today, would ya?"
"Maybe when hell freezes over Jimmy."


"Gosh dang it Jim! I already autographed your Steve Bartman replica baseball, 2006 World Series program, your Cubs Suck t-shirt, and your car... I will not autograph your chest."


"There, there Albert. I know it's been 5 years since you won a World Series and a whopping two years since you won an MVP, but look on the bright side. You don't play for the Chicago Cubs."


"What do you think, Jim? Will the NL Central ever win another playoff game? I mean it has been 4 years..."
"Psh four years! Try waiting 103 for a World Series!"


"So are you guys going to stay relevant past June this year or what?"


"Albert, I have a very serious question for you and I figure since you're the best baseball player in the league, you'll give me a straight answer."
"Alright... shoot."
"Was Cobb dreaming at the end of Inception or not?!"


"You think if I touch you, some of your greatness will be transferred to our franchise?"
“Not likely but I guess its worth a try, considering your circumstances

"Como estas senor Hendry?" "Albert... You know I don't speak Spanish."

The Cardinals and the Cubs: Historic, Geographic, Rivalrous

*Disclaimer* In honor of the first game of the year between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Chicago Cubs I decided to write a piece on the historic and great competition that is their 15-18 games a year. The following is probably rehashing of every analysis you've ever read about the Cardinals-Cubs rivalry.

What makes a great rivalry?

A mutual distaste between teams and rabid fan bases? A treasured past filled with anecdotes which intricately weave the fabric of the involved franchises' past? A geographic proximity which commingle opposing fan bases to the point of friendly familiarity?

Well, I know a rivalry not often hailed as a great one in the eyes of the national sports landscape. A hidden treasure within American's favorite pastime that takes place in the Midwest, away from the crazed coasts which act as media black holes. A rivalry untouched by diva athletes, key players switching teams in mid-career, and national attention. A rivalry with so much hate that it’s almost love...

Put them all together and you get the rivalry of the St. Louis Cardinals and the Chicago Cubs.

"What?!," may have been your first reaction to this bold statement. I know. I understand your confusion. The teams have never met in the playoffs since the World Series came into existence in 1903. Seasons in which both teams' relevance in the divisional (or before the current format, pennant) race rarely, if ever, intersect. But there's more to this rivalry than first glance can depict.

First, let us address mutual distaste between teams and fan bases. The Cardinals and the Cubs don't really like each other. This isn't an understatement or an overstatement for that matter. They are divisional foes who face each other 15-18 times a year. Familiarity between the two teams is significant. In recent years, there have been shouting matches between coaches, bench-clearing incidents, dramatic comebacks, and in general, very hotly contested games. I think its safe to say there is a heighten tension between the two teams, who may respect each other but certainly don't like each other.

When considering the past, its hard not to consider the Cards-Cubs rivalry in a league of its own. The two teams have been playing each other since 1885. (The over-hyped Yankees-Red Sox rivalry? They've been playing since 1901.) Harry Caray got his start as an radio announcer with the Cardinals in 1947. Jack Buck arrived and teamed up with Caray in 1954. The two became close. When Caray left for Chicago in 1969, it only added to the allure of the rivalry. Two friends, broadcasting opposing sides. I don't think you see that when the Buckeyes play the Wolverines in football. Yes, the Yankees bought the Bambino away from Boston, but compare that to the absolute theft the Cardinals committed, when they traded Ernie Broglio to the Cubbies for Lou Brock on June 15th, 1964. Broglio played two years as a mediocre (at best) pitcher and Brock became the all-time career leader in steals (until 1991), a member of the 3000 hit club, and a Hall of Famer. And though the lust has been significantly removed from the 1998 home run chase, due to steroid-filled syringes, false denials, and tarnished records, one of the most important events in bringing baseball back to prominence in the national sports landscape involved a Cardinal, Mark McGwire, and a Cub, Sammy Sosa.

However, the most important component of the rivalry is the geographic aspect, which has caused families and friends to split their allegiances down the middle Civil War style. In the early days of the MLB, the Cardinals were the only show in The Show west of the Mississippi River. KMOX radio transmitted across several Midwest states, creating a Cardinals fan base that spanned well past the borders of St. Louis. Chicago eventually had WGN, a television network which, with the aide of the mere size of Chicago and its surrounding suburbs, created another well-extended fan base. But the proximity of the beating hearts in the body of these fan bases are what make the rivalry all the more intriguing.

Allow me a short personal anecdote to illustrate this point. One of my best friends since the 7th grade is a Cubs fan, raised on the Cubs since he was old enough to comprehend baseball. He was born in St. Louis to Illinois transplants, which caused him to be the brunt of many-a-joke throughout middle school and high school. But this is the perfect illustration of the rivalry. I despise the Cubs but I also enjoy jesting with my friend about their haplessness, almost to the point where they have become a pet team. And while they haven't had too much post season success, their record against the Cardinals is always surprisingly respectable. And herein lies the beauty of this rivalry. The down-to-earth feel of the Midwest has encroached into the rivalry creating an environment of harmonious dislike. Cardinals fans and Cubs fans sit next to each other at Busch Stadium and Wrigley Field watch their teams, talk smack to each other, drink beers, and enjoy baseball's greatest rivalry.

Sure, the teams have never met in the playoffs. They haven't played a game meaningful to both sides in probably.... forever. But nothing truly compares to what these two teams have with each other. The history is too thick, the fan bases too intertwined, and the teams all too familiar with each other. I'll take this rivalry over the over-paid, inflated egos of the Red Sox-Yankees, the on-again, off-again intrigue of the Ohio State-Michigan game, and the too heavily influenced by Dick Vitale's commentating factor of the North Carolina-Duke game any day of the week and twice on Sundays.So enjoy baseball fans, one of the best rivalries in all of sports.

Win One for the Big Puma

Before December 4, 2010, whenever I heard the name Lance Berkman a pained expression, somewhere between the look Rudy had after getting denied from Notre Dame a second time and Tim Wakefield’s grimace as Aaron Boone smashed a hanging knuckleball in Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS, would creep across my face. In between December 4^th and March 31, 2011, whenever I heard the name Lance Berkman a skeptical look, similar to the raised eyebrows Drama, E, and Vince’s gave Turtle when he told them he had hooked up with Jamie-Lynn Sigler on an airplane.

However, now when I hear his name, my face is a cross between the gleeful look of a seven year old on Christmas and the forced expression in a certain Lonely Island music video.

Lance Berkman is currently destroying the National League with ferocity similar to that of Sherman’s march across Georgia to the Atlantic Ocean. As off the publication of this post, Berkman ranked second in batting average (.392, only trailing teammate Matt Holliday), second in home runs (10), first in runs batted in (32), third in runs scored (25), first in slugging percentage (.775), and first in on-base plus slugging percentage (1.237). I must say that even the most optimistic Cardinals’ fans and baseball pundits didn’t have Berkman getting out to this scorching start. Currently, he is single-handedly (or double-handedly along with Matt Holliday) propelling the Cardinals to leading the league in runs, batting average, and on-base percentage.

Since he became a part of my favorite sports team, I have attempted to read extensively on the man. He appears to be an absolute class act that was put into a difficult situation in Houston due to a season-long slump and a knee surgery. Fresh off a disappointing finish to the season with the Yankees, Berkman rededicated himself to a vigorous conditioning regiment and regained the leg strength he so lacked last year. And all of baseball is seeing the results.

I think it’s safe to say I have a man crush on the Big Puma. I used to pee in my pants like Fuller after he'd had too many Pepsi’s every time he walked to the plate against the Cardinals because he absolutely killed them. Now, I’m giddy with anticipation when he strides to the plate (especially when he’s at Busch as Johnny Cash’s God’s Gonna Cut You Down plays in the background).

So here’s to you Big Puma: a classy ball player who has dedicated himself to the game and plays baseball the way it ought to be played. A man who may be one of the most underrated players of the 2000s, a man who I would be shocked if I ever heard had used steroids in a era filled with filthy numbers (filthy in a bad way), and a man who still lacks a World Series ring. Swept out of the Series in 2005 after defeating his current club in the NLCS, Berkman has never come remotely close to the sweet jewelry before or since.

My wish for you Big Puma is that a Cardinals team which came into the season amidst turmoil through injury and uncertainty can provide you the necessary surroundings to help you capture a nice rock.

One that would even make Kobe's wife, post Colorado incident, jealous.

Troy Tulowitzki is Justin Bieber

Disclaimer: The following post may be considered ridiculous by some.

Drafted seventh overall in the 2005 MLB Draft, Troy Tulowitzki (hence forth known as Tulo because spelling his last name is bothersome) was a can’t miss prospect with spectacular defense and a well-developed bat. He made his major league debut August 30, 2006. As soon as he hit the big show, he was a sensation. Cal Ripken, Jr. has been quoted as saying, “He has a strong offensive game, but defensively, he’s unbelievable. He really thinks about the position, all aspects of the game. I love that about him” (USA Today). There appeared to be no doubt Tulo would be a future star.

Born in Stratford, Ontario, Canada, Justin Bieber became a YouTube sensation overnight. At fourteen, he was recognized by manager Scooter Braun and soon signed to a deal that involved a joint venture with Usher. It was then only a matter of time before his face was on everything from paper plates to backpacks. His every word made teenage girls swoon and Tina Fey lustfully stated in an SNL skit, “His smile is like watching a baby bunny sniff a tiny flower.”

You can tell that the metaphor is pretty obvious. JB makes girls scream almost as much as Tulo makes baseball writers drool. Tulo is currently the Justin Bieber of baseball. He has youth (the parallel there is fairly obvious), transcendent defense (Bieber’s image), and an ability to carry a team (Bieber has the ability to carry the ratings of anything, such as the NBA Celebrity game).

When trouble struck Tulo’s 2010 season in the form of a fractured wrist, the Rockies and much of baseball held their collective breath. Meanwhile, Bieber fans shuttered at the thought of his voice changing destroying his angelic range and heart-melting high notes. Both, however, came back with a vengeance. Tulo in the form of a September with the following stats: 15 HRs, 40 RBIs, 30 runs scored, and a .800 slugging percentage. Bieber recovered by dominating the pop landscape with My World 2.0 including the single “Baby” which is now the highest viewed clip on YouTube. Ever. (Of course, Carlos Gonzalez was the Ludacris to Tulo’s Justin.)

Why make such a ridiculous metaphor? Because in this day and age of Twitter, Facebook, and instant access to all kinds of media, people are hyped like never before. Those of us lucky enough to have spectacular skills (in one form or another) are glorified beyond belief. The parallels don’t stop in that regard. Tulo is already being hailed as the “best player in baseball” even though his current average WAR per season is 3.3. JB is being hailed as a global icon and superstar even though 85% of the population probably thinks he is incredibly annoying and talentless. While both have done so much, there is still so much to do. After an unbelievable start to the season, Tulo has cooled off offensively. And while Bieber’s concert movie out-did box office projections, critics about his actual talent still remain.

As any of my close friends and fantasy baseball compatriots would tell you, I am incredibly skeptic when it comes to young MLB talent. I need proof before I trust someone to put up above average stats. And Tulo really needs to prove it to me. Two great seasons doesn’t make you a hall of famer, let alone the best player in the league. No, I am not skeptical of Tulo’s talent but I question his ability to sustain success in the show.

From what I have read, Tulo is not only talented on the field but a great addition to the clubhouse and strongly symbolizes what the Rockies are currently trying to achieve: gutsy play and success through youth. Troy has the tools to get the job done but I will wait to pass judgment. Best shortstop since A-Rod or Ripken? We’ll see.

But I’m sure Tulo (as well as Justin) will tell you, “I will never say never.”

Bonus MLB player/Pop artist comparisons

Jose Bautista as Lady Gaga because he busted on the scene with such random fashion much in the same way as Gaga. His power display last year is similar to Gaga’s release of her album, The Fame. Jose was born this way.

Roy Halladay as Rihanna because he consistently has put out incredible statistics for years now just as Rihanna has continued to put out number one singles. Sadly, I don't think Halladay is an S & M type.

Miguel Cabrera as Chris Brown because he has a sweet swing (Brown’s voice) and has a tendency of being suspected of domestic violence.

Andre Ethier as Katy Perry because he is hot and so is she. And his last name starts with ET.

Albert Pujols as the Black Eyed Peas because he is always at or near the top of the MVP voting and the BEPs are always at or near the top of the Billboard Hot 100. I gotta feeling... Albert might break out of his current slump.

Ryan Braun as Ke$ha because he is youthful, just got a ton of money, and seems like he loves to party. And we know that’s the only thing Ke$ha does.

Last but not least…

Lance Berkman as Doctor Dre (Yes, I know he’s a rapper) because he looked left for dead at the end of last season but must have had a doctor bring him back to life. But he won't crack a bottle just yet.

Rodents are Prevalent: Franklin's Gopher Balls and Punxsutawney Phil

Since reading my first Bill Simmons column a few years back, I have been in love. I know what you're thinking but no, I didn't fall for ole Billy. (However, in a related note, he did quickly establish himself as my favorite sports writer.) No, I fell for the sport/movie extended metaphor which plays a role in Bill's unique style and sense of humor.

The love affair was only natural. My two favorite things to discuss and watch, sports and movies, combined in a humorous and informative way into one topic is one of the best things I have happened across in the last few years. Well, that and Christopher Nolan's filmography. Comparing seemingly unrelated movies and the happenings in the current sports landscape is not only a challenging mental exercise, but a way to create a hybrid topic which appeals to both film fanatics and sports supporters. So without further ado, in honor of Mr. Simmons and a topic which has frustrated myself and many of my St. Louis-based friends, I give you Groundhog Franklin.

Any baseball fan around 18 years of age or older has had the feeling for at least a season (or maybe two or three). Your roster has someone established as your closer who just absolutely loses their stuff. They can't paint the corners. They hang breaking balls. They get a pained look across their face eerily similar to Steve Bartman in Game 6 as they watch balls sail out of the park. And the guy who had 30 saves for your team last year now has a 8.75 ERA and an extremely bruised ego.

Enter the 2011 edition of the St. Louis Cardinals and their closer, Ryan Franklin, two years removed from a season where he had 38 saves and a 1.92 ERA. First game of the 2011 season, the Cardinals have a 3-2 lead entering the bottom of the ninth inning. Franklin retires the first two batters with deceitful ease. Then hangs a breaking ball that David Eckstein could have hit 500 hit feet to Cameron Maybin, who proceeds to launch it out of the park for a game-tying home run. Needless to say, the Cards lost in 11 innings. And then, as New Found Glory famously says, "it's all downhill from here." Franklin goes on to blow 4 out of 5 save opportunities, compile a pleasant 0-3 record, and accumulate a sadly robust 8.68 ERA in 9.1 innings of work.

Now how does this tie into a sports/movie metaphor? Well, from my perspective, watching Franklin stroll in from the bullpen makes me feel like Phil Connors hearing those sad Sonny and Cher lyrics, "then put your little hand in mine," over and over and over again as he repeats the same day of his life in the movie Groundhog Day. The parallels begin at the beginning of the movie, with Phil being a successful yet mean-spirited meteorologist. Franklin, while not mean-spirited, had success at the beginning of his tenure in St. Louis. However, things take a turn for the worst for both gentlemen when Phil gets stuck in his time loop and Franklin gets stuck in his "I can't hold a lead to save my life" phase.

Franklin's demotion from the closer role is the equivalent of Phil's "I'm going to attempt as many forms of suicide as possible" phase. Both hit the lowest of lows and are overcome with despair. Franklin decides to decry St. Louis fans, who have a well-known reputation as being some of the best fans in baseball, and Phil steals Punxsutawney Phil (the famous groundhog) and drives off a cliff. Old RF then gets thrown into several vital but non-save opportunities during the latter parts of close games. He continues to fail miserably just as Phil attempts to do good deeds and embrace the townspeople in order to break the time loop and inevitably still fails. The feeling Cardinals fans get when Franklin gives up a late inning RBI single is similar to the same feeling Phil gets when his love interest, Rita, slaps him after several failed advances. Both Cards fans and Phil are left with a pained, though not quite shocked, look on their face. Because let's be honest, this has happened before.

To further delve into the metaphor let's say that Tony LaRussa is Punxsutawney Phil because he went down with the ship that is Franklin, in a similar fashion that the groundhog went down in flames with Phil Connors as they drove off the cliff. Colby Rasmus is the infamous Ned Ryerson, a dunce-type insurance salesman who went to high school with Phil and happens to see him in Punxsutawney though the parallels are merely a comment on both inviduals apparent level of intelligence. Albert Pujols (at least the 2011 version) is the homeless man that Phil attempts to save from his imminent death before the day is over. Both characters are loveable and you want to see them succeed, but they keep ripping your hear out. The Cardinals' starting pitching staff are the Punxsutawney townspeople, both of which are continually getting screwed by Franklin and Phil, respectively. And Lance Berkman is Rita, because he has been saving Franklin's ass from avoiding an early-season implosion by putting up ridiculous numbers, much in the way Rita saves Phil and aides in the breaking of the time loop.

Fortunately for Phil, he does eventually get to February 3rd by befriending the townspeople and living a "perfect" day. Unfortunately for Cardinals' fans, there has been no indication that Franklin will ever reach a similar epiphany, as he continues to miss his spots and serve up gopher balls to unassuming hitters. The repetition is quite sickening. Close game, Franklin enters, Cardinals fans groan, he gives up some runs. Phil wakes up, hears Sonny cooing those words, smashes his alarm clock, and lives another Groundhog Day.

Currently, there is no end in sight. Franklin entered Sunday with the game tied and would get the loss by allowing a walk-off single in the ninth. At least Phil Connors got to hone some skills while stuck in the time warp, including learning French and how to ice sculpt and play the piano. I don't think Franklin has really learned anything, except how to turn some of baseball's best fans against you and make mediocre hitters look as clutch as Big Papi circa 2004. Sadly, LaRussa continues to stubbornly put Franklin in in clutch situations. And Franklin continues to drop the ball, or in this case, allow the ball to leave the park at extremely high velocities.

For the time being, Cardinals fans are stuck in quite a time loop, but look on the bright side: at least there's no Sonny and Cher involved in this one.

Cardinals Friday Meeting

Scene: Busch Stadium locker room. Tony Larussa is standing in front of Pujols, Holliday, Wainwright, and Carpenter.

LaRussa: Ok guys, that loss yesterday was brutal, we can play better than that. You guys are the leaders of this team, what are we gonna do to prevent that from happening again?

Wainwright: Get me a new arm?

Carpenter: Get me a defense?

Holliday: My stomach hurts.

LaRussa: Shut up, Matt.

Pujols: We lost?

LaRussa: Yes Albert, we lost. In large part cause of your grounding into 3 double plays.

Pujols: I promise I won't hit into three double plays for you next year...

Carpenter: This is my fault. I knew if I didn't throw a perfect game we'd lose.

LaRussa: You did fine, it's not like you gave up a bomb with 2 outs in the ninth...

Franklin (poking head in door): I heard that.

LaRussa: Sorry Ryan.

(John Mozeliak runs in the door crying and kneels at Pujol's feet)

Mozeliak: Please Albert, please don't leave. If you stay I'll name the team after you, I'll make LaRussa apologize for the 2007 all-star game, I'll give you my firstborn child, I won't tell that you use ster..

Pujols: Whats that?

Mozeliak: Nothing.

Holliday: My stomach hurts.

LaRussa: Shut up, Matt.

Schumaker: Hey guys, have you seen my shake weight?

Carpenter (picks up and tosses "shake weight for women"): Yeah, here.

(Schumaker drops it)

Pujols: Didn't you used to play outfield?

Wainwright (to Mozeliak): Can we trade him for a closer?

Mozeliak: I've tried, every other team realizes his value as a triple A backup.

(Rasmus enters)

Rasmus: You guys see that Reds walkoff?

LaRussa (to Mozeliak): I told you he's a traitor! He's a cancer to our team, trade him.

Mozeliak: I've tried, every other team realizes that he's an outfielder full of potential that he'll never reach, is injury prone, and the ladies love him but he is really only good for a 2 week hot streak, and beyond that is utterly useless.

Carpenter: Like J.D. Drew?

Mozeliak: Not even that good.

Pujols: Like Rick Ankiel?

Mozeliak: Ok better than that.

(Theriot enters)

Theriot: I'm gonna put up a big sign that says "The Riot" over my locker! How cool is it that my name spells the words, the and riot?!

Rasmus: Woah, you're right it does!

Pujols: You didn't know that?..

LaRussa: They don't teach reading and writing until 8th grade in Georgia. Colby didn't get that far.

Theriot: Roll me that duct tape will ya Waino?

(Wainwright rolls the duct tape over, Theriot fumbles it under a table and down a vent)

(Enter Mike Shannon)

Shannon: Hey boys ha ha. Listen to er this here er joke I found on the world wide web ha ha. Apparently you’re not allowed to bring an I-Pad into Yankee Stadium. Which means if you want to look at an expensive, overrated slab at a Yankee game, you’ll just have to watch A-Rod. ha ha. ha. ha ha ha.

Wainwright: What'd he say?

Holliday: My stomach hurts.

Carpenter: I thought he wasn't allowed in here when he's drunk?

Pujols: But then he'd never be allowed in.

Carpenter: Exactly.

(Shannon passes out in a locker)

LaRussa: Lets get out of here before he wakes up.

(LaRussa and Wainwright sprint to the door. Carpenter pulls a groin getting up too quickly, while Pujols jogs making sure not to break a nail.)