Outfield Chatter

angelsarms.org

Attending sporting events is quickly becoming a thing of the past. Why leave your big screen HD TV to pay $15 or more for a ticket and equally as much for food? You can cozy up on your couch, watch the game, eat pizza, and stare at your fantasy team as it goes 0-24 on your laptop. 


Well last night I was reminded just how great attending a baseball game can be. Sometimes I'm hesitant to pay for the trouble of attending Cardinal games. After all, baseball can be a mixed bag of excitement, or lets be honest, plain boredom at times. Its tempting for me to stay home and yell at Jason Heyward for going 0-4 ... again. I don't have that temptation during hockey season. To me, hockey is all action all the time (besides those pesky 17 minute intermissions). When you attend a hockey game, you're so caught up in the gameplay, sometimes you forget that you actually came with friends. Baseball on the other hand is basically a social gathering. Talking with people can be most of the fun; oh and baseball is being played in the background. 


Tuesday night sitting in the outfield bleacher seats at Busch Stadium proved to be great not only cause of a 4-0 victory, but because of some great conversations. They eventually led to many questions, most of which you've probably asked yourself before, but they still need answers.


Sitting in the outfield bleachers gives you a chance to see just how much space there is for fielders to cover ... and for fans to run around in after jumping the fence. So naturally the question arose: How much money would it take for you to run on the field and scamper around? $1,000? $10,000? More? I originally stated that $1,000ish may be about right, but reconsidered after some astute points were made. First, you'd be kicked out of Busch forever (or at least for a while). Is it really worth not being able to attend games ever again? Eh, for the right price, but that price just rose. Second, we assume you'd attain a criminal record for such antics. Better start practicing your explanation for job interviews. Price just went up again. Third, it's gonna cost a bit to get bailed out of jail, yes? What like $500? My experience in bailing friends out of jail is minimal, so that's a complete guess. The price just went up again, gotta cover those hidden costs. So how much dough would it take for you to go for a run? Maybe the better question is how much alcohol? For me? I'm goin with a $5,000 - $10,000 range. Sure people have done it before without ruining their lives. But I'm not adventurous enough to do it just for the adrenaline. I don't even like roller coasters. 

A follow up to this question is how much would it take for you to streak across the field? I guess it depends how much your pride is worth to you. One friend told me he wouldn't do it for less than $100,000. A bit steep, dont ya think?

The conversation then turned to the next sequential question. Is it possible to jump the fence, run on the field, and escape without getting caught? My friends seem to think that there's no way. There would be too much security in the stands and concourse, even if you could escape the police on the field. 


I take the other side of the argument. Have you seen these things go down? It's always out of shape security guards waddling along, pissed that they actually have to do something. No way it'd be that hard to juke these guys out if you're athletic! Besides, the trespassing thrill-seekers never have an exit plan. They run around for a while, get their 15 seconds of fame, and usually go fairly quietly. 


Here's what you do: 1.) Bring in some rubber cleats. You'll be able to make cuts the cops can't, and still be able to run in the concourse without sliding around in metal spikes. 2.) Have an entry and exit plan. Staying away from players and umps looking to make SportsCenter with a tackle would be wise. 3.) Have your friends help out. Once you jump back into the stands and hit the stairs, you'll be able to blow by the 80 year old volunteer ushers. If there are cops around at the top though, you may need a timely pick by a friend. A nice step in front, with a soda in hand will do. They spill it all over themselves and they look like a victim who got trucked, not an associate. 4.) From there you can book it through the concourse with ease. A majority of the people out there don't even realize what happened in the park anyway. You can slip out an exit that you made sure was close to the section you escaped out of in the first place. 5.) All good smash and grab raids have a get-away car. Again, this requires friends, but if you bribe em enough, you should be gold. 


Now I don't have the cahoonas to attempt this, nor does anyone sane; at least who's judgement isn't temporarily impaired. However it's certainly more than plausible that this could work right? Right. 


The conversation went in about 300 directions from this point, covering things such as: "would it suck having security around you your whole life as a President, even after your terms are complete?", "would having multiple people storm the field give you better odds of escaping?", "would you throw an opposing team's home run ball back on the field?", "if you could be 6 again, would you fall off your dad's shoulders onto the concrete in order to have the team give you a bat out of sympathy (i may or may not have witnessed this before)?", and "would you sprint on the field and tackle a player, in order to help your fantasy team win a title?" I'd love to hear anyone else's opinions on any of these intense philosophical questions, feel free to comment below. 


Anyways, needless to say when I got home and saw the game highlights on ESPN, I hardly remembered a thing. I had no clue Waino had 9 k's. But sometimes that's ok. Sports don't always have to be the main focus. Sometimes being a common ground for friends to gather/have completely illogical conversations, is perfect.