When Life Gives You Lemons, You Make Albertade

A lot has been made about a certain hug between two people in the last forty eight hours. Since I'm usually a pretty optimistic person, I figured I should make light of the situation and have fun with it.

This is, of course, the aftermath of the now infamous hug between Pujols and Chicago Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry. The following are what I believe are the most likely conversations the two men had.

_________________


"Here's lookin' at you Jim."


"Sure! I'd LOVE to play for the Cubs." (winks at Yadier Molina standing behind Hendry)


"Boy oh boy! A real baseball player has finally decided to come to Wrigley Field! Can I have your autograph Mr. Pujols?!"


"So this is why they call it the friendly confines..."


"Jim. You better hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife. Cause I be going 4-for-5 up in hurr."


"You know what they say Jim... It gets harder after the 3rd MVP award."


"Albert, I was wondering if you could lend me some money for an investment.... You see, Soriano said we could extend his contract another 2 years for only 30 million! We can't pass up this deal! Please, help a brother out!"


"You know, 25 home runs, 64 RBIs, and a 1.002 OPS at Wrigley isn't too bad is it Jim?"


"Did you know I have only hit 47 home runs against the Cubbies... ONLY 47!! I'm slacking here Mr. Hendry!"


"Wait?! You really paid Carlos Pena $10 million to flirt with the Mendoza line all season. That's a joke, right? Oh, its not a joke? Well either way that's HILARIOUS!"


"So I says to Dusty, I say, "Dusty, let me tell you something. No one could burn out young arms like you could." And then he tried to shove one of those toothpicks up my nose! Can you believe that?"


"What'da'ya think about that Fukudome?"
"I'd say you overpaid by about a billion yen."


"So Albert, how do you like Wrigley Field?"
"I mean I enjoy hitting here, but the ivy makes my allergies act up."


"What was it like hitting that home run off of Brad Lidge in 2005?"
"Well Jimbo, I never told anyone this but I just closed my eyes like this and hoped for the best."


"How do you do it Albert?"
"Well, you know, I just try to put a good swing on the ball and work hard on every pitch. I just wanted to help my teammates out and put a good swing on the ball and it just happened to be a home run. I just tried to put a good swing on the ball."


"Hey Albert! Take it easy on our boys today, would ya?"
"Maybe when hell freezes over Jimmy."


"Gosh dang it Jim! I already autographed your Steve Bartman replica baseball, 2006 World Series program, your Cubs Suck t-shirt, and your car... I will not autograph your chest."


"There, there Albert. I know it's been 5 years since you won a World Series and a whopping two years since you won an MVP, but look on the bright side. You don't play for the Chicago Cubs."


"What do you think, Jim? Will the NL Central ever win another playoff game? I mean it has been 4 years..."
"Psh four years! Try waiting 103 for a World Series!"


"So are you guys going to stay relevant past June this year or what?"


"Albert, I have a very serious question for you and I figure since you're the best baseball player in the league, you'll give me a straight answer."
"Alright... shoot."
"Was Cobb dreaming at the end of Inception or not?!"


"You think if I touch you, some of your greatness will be transferred to our franchise?"
“Not likely but I guess its worth a try, considering your circumstances

"Como estas senor Hendry?" "Albert... You know I don't speak Spanish."