The Levels of Movies

If I asked you, out of the movies that you have seen in your lifetime, what percentage you would give at least a 6 on a 1-10 scale (of likability), what do you think that number would be? A really stuck up "movie connoisseur" kind of person might say 15%, an average person might think around 75%. Myself, well I try to limit the number of movies I watch that I think look bad from the beginning so I would say my number is around 63.5%. But that's just liking a movie, which isn't too hard to do. It doesn't necessarily imply you'll buy it on Blue-Ray, watch it over and over, and be the person every looks to to know the answer to every trivia question about Big (or whatever the movie may be).

What about if we upped the stakes and said it had to rate 6.75-8.25? Obviously the percentage would shrink significantly (for me around 25% but only because I filter the movies I watch vigorously). Let's say that at about a 6.75, a movie becomes a "good" movie. Not a "great" one like Apocalypse Now or an "ok" one like X-Men (original, haven't seen the new one yet), but a "good" one like Old School. We can already see that a 1-10 scale is probably over simplifying our movie assessment and designating a single number to a movie is foolish, uneducated, and down right insulting to everyone involved in that movie (unless we're talking about Faster, in which case it can be simplified to a number, 0).



A film can't be simplified to a single digit (unless we're talking about Se7en.... badup ching!). It has to be compared to other movies which hover around the same quality level. I'm not necessarily saying we need to rank movies because that is nearly impossible to do and good films are quite numerous and often impossible to differentiate between in terms of "awesomeness". But I think it would be pretty interesting to assess movies and place them categorically, based on movies we know symbolizing the tiers of how good a movie is. Yes, that sounds confusing but bare with me a minute here.

What I'm saying is instead of a 1-10 system, like IMDB, or a 1-100% system, like Rotten Tomatoes, why don't we have a Ben-Hur to Baby Geniuses system (aka greatest movies ever to movies my 7-month-old nephew could have written, directing, and starred in and it would have been relatively the same)? This isn't a revolutionary idea. When discussing favorite movies, people already compare and gather movies into groups based on quality. But I want to get ambitious. I want to firmly establish cinematic landmarks to allow people to gauge how good a movie is, just by looking its group and the two landmarks above and below its group.

What will make this different from the number system? Well, the "score" a movie receives will only be represented by the films it accompanies in a given group. So you will know exactly where that movie stands when compared to other movies. You will know exactly how excited to get about a movie you haven't seen but your friend ranked it next to The Mummy, just a category below Ocean's Twelve, and one category above above Marley and Me. (by the way, the movie was Tomorrow Never Dies). See how awesome this is already?

Now, before I revolutionize movie discussion forever, we need to establish a few rules.

1. I am going to attempt to convey a scale of perception that agrees with many movie-viewing categories. In other words, I'm going to try to take into account not my opinions on movies, but movie critics and popular opinion. So just because The Shawshank Redemption is my favorite movie of all-time doesn't mean the top category is going to be named The Shawshank Redemption VIP Room of Movies. I will try to be as unbiased as possible. But sanity will trump public opinion. For example but just because The Green Lantern has already grossed more than three time more money than The Hurt Locker, doesn't make it any where near it in quality. Get it? Ok.

2. Genre will NOT (entirely) factor into where a movie falls. If I happen to name a category The Natural (a "sports genre movie") Rec Room of Pretty Good Fun, that does not exclude a "drama genre movie" like Requiem for a Dream from joining in on the Fun. However, it may be more difficult for a good comedy, say Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy, from joining a highly rated group because, in all its hilarity, it still isn't comparable to say, Gangs of New York.

3. Similarly to genre in rule #2, the age of a movie should not detract from its categorization. Example: Just because Metropolis is old and it's effects and message are slightly out-dated doesn't mean it isn't a high-quality production. However, the movies used for categorization (names of categories) will either be incredibly recognizable old movies or recent ones that most people have seen (more in rule #4).

4. I will only use and cite movies I have seen (all movies used in this post I have seen minus The Green Lantern and Faster). Furthermore, I will also only use truly recognizable movies for level indicators (except maybe when we get towards the bottom of the barrel because often people don't see the same craptastic movies as everyone else). Example: I won't use Moon as the name of the third best category because I'm sure most people haven't seen Moon (even though you should go watch it, like, right now).

5. There will be eleven levels of "movie-dom". Why? Because I said so. And eleven is a prime number and it goes against the grain of a usual 10-based ranking system, which is the whole point of this post. To revolutionize everything you ever thought about ranking movies.

Starting from the bottom (in order to build anticipation):

Level name: Baby Geniuses
It's very dark down here, not to mention sad, dreary, and down right depressing. These are the movies that just plain suck. The actors involved are looking for a pay check. The story lines are either over done or plain stupid. The only reason to watch these movies again are to make fun of them a la Mystery Science Theater 3000. Along with our baby friends are movies that make you just shake your head the entire time like Not Another Teen Movie or Kazaam. No redeemable qualities in these films. Not a single one. I really don't want to stick around discussing these so can we move on before my retina start having Vietnam-like flashbacks from these movies?

Level name: Plan 9 From Outer Space
Often hailed as "the worst movie of all time" this category is a step up from the crap fest of Baby Geniuses. Plan 9, though notoriously bad, has stood the test of time. It is still mentioned as a classic bad movie. And, in a strange sense, it was trying to be bad. It definitely succeeded in doing this. These things matter when it comes to movies. I'm not sure if I would call it a redeemable quality but it counts for something. Joining our awful display of sci-fi is the astounding effects of Joe Versus the Volcano and awful parody movies like Scary Movie 4 (some of these fall here, some of them fall in the Baby Geniuses group like Epic Movie). As bad as these movies are, it's surprising they aren't all the way at the bottom but what can I say? Hollywood knows how to keep laying some absolute turds.

Level name: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
A bad chick flick that reflects a movie which you would watch a second time but only if forced to on a date or while babysitting little kids. And, I mean, it's better to be making out to Failure to Launch than Manos: The Hands of Fate, right? The redeemable quality might be that Kate Hudson once acted in a good movie, Almost Famous (which is many, many categories above this one). Sadly, her output ever since pretty much sums up this category with the likes of Gold Rush and My Best Friend's Girl. However, I don't mean to cast aspersions on the chick flick genre, so a comparable non-chick flick for this group might be Eddie. Or it might be Doc Hollywood. Or, last but not least, it might be Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny.

Level name: Free Willy
Now we're starting to get somewhere. Obviously, Free Willy isn't the epitome of a good movie, but boy, does that scene with Willy jumping over the stone obstruction give you goosebumps... Or something like that. These are tolerable movies but ones you don't necessarily buy or watch maybe more than once. But you also wouldn't object to a second viewing if you haven't seen it in 5 years or so (or maybe 10 depending on how cynical you are). Joining the lovable whale are a bunch of dogs (Homeward Bound), slightly more interesting chick flicks (Emma, the one with Gwenyth Paltrow), and below average Disney movies like Dinosaur. They made admirable efforts but fall short in the puchasability category (Yep, I just made up a word. Deal with it.).

Level name: Honey, I Shrunk the Kids
Oh, snap! Are we getting into "classics" territory? Well.... not quite. But this is ownership territory. Now you may not own one of these movies because you purchased it (they are often gifted to children in large families) but somehow they find their way into your collection. An excellent example is Rookie of the Year. The movie isn't necessarily bad enough to make fun of but not good enough to exalt. Liar, Liar is a good comedy example in this group. Robin Hood (the new one with Russell Crowe) is a good drama for this group. These aren't movies you would turn down if suggested for a viewing, especially if it's been a while. The quality is certainly increasing, let's just say that we get our first Pixar appearance with Cars at this level.

Level name: Dodgeball: An Underdog Story
We've reached the point of no returns. These are movies you own. Movies you quote. Movies you watch multiple times. Or maybe movies you expected more out of but they just didn't quite do it. Like The Da Vinci Code. They are definitely worthwhile and the acting has been kicked up a notch in most cases (Ben Stiller's turn in Dodgeball was probably his best work). I would put Love Actually in this category, more out of respect than anything. It's safe to say that once a movie gets in this level, it becomes good. So here's to you, Glory Road.

Level name: Ocean's Eleven
Good directing, good acting, good movies from here on out. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone is what first came to my mind here (but not because of the acting). Walk the Line comes to mind. And Seabiscuit. And Winter's Bone. These are movies you want to watch. You go out of your way to suggest them. You talk about them with your friends. You suggest them to people. But you don't quite rave about them. When someone asks you, "Did you like Shakespeare in Love?" You say, "Yeah, it was good." You don't gush but it gets your stamp of approval and you support a viewing of it.

Level name: Remember the Titans
This is about as real as it gets. These movies are borderline great. You almost use the word "love" when describing a movie at this level (and sometimes in the spur of the moment, you do use the word "love"). This is Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy territory. This is the level of classics that aren't quite as spectacular as the next levels like Big. This is the level of Up and other Pixar adventures. These movies are hanging out with Julius and Gary Bertier and, heck, they're hanging out with Jim Lovell of Apollo 13. You know the characters, you know the lines, and you remember the messages.

Level name: The Dark Knight
If you know me, you know I'm a Christopher Nolan fanatic. It is with great self-control that I use The Dark Knight for this level. This level exudes all-time greatness but just doesn't quite reach it. While the movie is spectacular, it isn't quite enough to reach the great heights of true greatness. Gangs of New York, Toy Story, and Frost/Nixon are all hanging out with the Christian Bale-played Bruce Wayne. Great pictures like My Left Foot and Raiders of the Lost Ark are here. The brilliance of Spielberg, the emotions of Hitchcock, and the madness of Kubrick are at this level (with Jaws, Rear Window, and The Shining, respectively). These are the movies that left you wanting more or thinking more. The ones that cinema was created to put on display.

Level name: To Kill a Mockingbird
These are the all-time greats who just weren't good enough to get into the all-time greats penthouse. They are so close. Atticus Finch doesn't mind it, of course, but Terry Malloy from On the Waterfront certainly does. Jack Nicholson yearns to be in the penthouse (probably the first time he's been denied access anywhere) but Chinatown falls just short. The characters of Middle Earth will just have to stay in Rivendell as the Lord of the Rings trilogy is quite good but not quite good enough. The movies and characters at this level are legendary but in their own right, but sometimes it takes more than that to reach the top.

Level name: The Godfather
An appropriately named level, these are the godfathers of all movies. Whether you agree or not, these are considered the finest pieces of cinema and most can attest to their greatness. They are the elite of the elite. They often define genres. They take new frontiers and make things people never thought were possible. And there are a limited number of spots here. The members are quite posh if you ask me. Scarlet O'Hare from Gone with the Wind is quite a stuck up brat, but she's still here, hobnobbing with the Corleones, Charles Foster Kane (Citizen Kane, whether you understand why or not, he belongs here, sorry), George Bailey (It's a Wonderful Life), and Han, Luke, and Leia (Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope). Let's just say you don't get here by accident. A surprise inclusion in this final, great level might be The Searchers.


So there you have it. The way in which movies should be judged and ranked from now until eternity (or the next time some average schnook feels like making a rating system for movies). You don't have to agree with me on where movies go and what movies constitute as great. It was just a fun little exercise. Movies are great like that. They can make people talk for hours. They can make for wonderful debates. They make for lively discussion. They make us think, laugh, and cry. Cinema is fantastic. Really, that's what this was all about. Films can often be inspiring. They can be memorable. They can be anything, really.

Quick Levels Review

The Godfather                                     Best
To Kill A Mockingbird
The Dark Knight
Remember the Titans
Ocean's Eleven                                    to
Dodgeball: An Underdog Story
Honey, I Shrunk the Kids
Free Willy
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Plan 9 from Outer Space
Baby Geniuses                                   Worst