Your Guide to ESPN Personalities

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Summer is here, yo. I don’t know how many people who read this are actually employed, be it a full-time job or a few hours/week just to make mom and pop happy; but if you’re like me, summer equals unceasing unproductiveness. (Not to suggest I’m an assembly line of productivity during the school year). A few things usually occur during this elongated period of procrastination: I tempt the carpal tunnel gods with extensive nhl/fifa play, consume enough Qdoba to fund the national chain, and watch a heck of a lot of ESPN.

Naturally, watching ESPN so much you begin to gravitate towards certain personalities and look forward to particular analysts. (If you’re a hockey fan waiting for Barry Melrose, this is probably you more often than not). 

However with the good comes the bad. Before you begin your ESPN summer binge, here’s your guide of ESPN personalities to avoid:

Speaker-Exploding Sir Yells-a-lot  – There’s quite a few of these at ESPN, ya know, guys who think the louder they yell at you, the more you’ll begin to agree with them. In fact, the whole Around The Horn staff probably qualifies here. However, Stephen A. Smith (why do we always have to say his full name? Same goes for “Ryan Nugent-Hopkins”, or “Chris Paul?”) may be the most insufferable. He’s always yelling with an attitude as if the world is against him. This guy's pretty much got it down pat. 

The Contrarian/Troll – What can I do that would be good for ratings? Look at each headline that ESPN manufactures/pounds into the ground, and then vehemently disagree with the popular opinion every time? Brilliant! Fake controversy is the best! Throw in some transparent attention-seeking comments, lies, and overall high-trolling activity and you get ... Skip Bayless, everyone! Can you imagine if he was ever paired with, as awfulannouncing likes to call him, the aforementioned Screamin A. Smith? Thank goodness we don...wait it's called what?

The Loose Cannon/Front Runner  – Have you ever watched SportsNation? Michelle Beadle pretty much makes the show. On days when she's not there you most likely go from confused about why that new blonde host doesn't look like Michelle Beadle, to sad, to the off button. Why? Cause you're certainly not stickin around for Colin's "expertise." The genius's (geni?) at ESPN know that it takes an angel to make a clown like Colin Cowherd tolerable. Colin's made his living hopping from one bandwagon to next, and most likely has bumper stickers of the Lakers, Heat, Yankees, and Patriots on his car. He has a huge east coast bias (mandatory as an ESPN employee) and love of all things west as well (he grew up there), but it's unknown if he's been educated that there is a middle in America. Overall his schtick about the coasts is irritating, but isn't surprising nor condemnable. However, throw in his insensitive and plain idiotic statements like this or this (hey he does know about the midwest!), and unprofessionalism like this, and you'll see why Michelle Beadle should be anointed to sainthood immediately.

Personal Agenda Pushers – It's unclear whether certain ESPN employees intentionally create headlines, are instructed to create headlines, or are just dramatic human beings; but beware of analysts such as Merril Hoge, Tedy Bruschi, and Chris Carter. More than a few times have their stories, vendettas, or opinions been aired on the network, only to become a major headline in the sports world the next day.  

The Poet – More of an obnoxious presentation style than personality, be ready for the poets like Tom Rinaldi who will attack at any moment. They usually prey upon viewers using events such as Augusta, the Kentucky Derby, Opening Day, or the Olympics to brainwash you into thinking sports are an emotional, mushy means to a greater good. If you don't have your dictionary, thesaurus, and kleenex ready, you've already been sucked into their distorted reality.

When Catch-Phrases Go Bad - SportsCenter anchors aren’t safe either. Often these anchors become so popular, that they transcend the highlight they're doing. This is usually due to an obsession with certain catch-phrases or gimmicky attention grabbers. For example, I love Steve Berthiaume, but for the love of Sidney Crosby, stop "playing" ... Name That Molina! I'm also lookin at you Stan Verrett. It's time to let “is that bad?” go. It's not good when your catch-phrase depends on a response from another person, and half the time Neil isn't paying attention to say "it's not good." That's when things get awkward.


s/t to awfulannouncing.com for being a well of sports media knowledge