David Stern (DS) : Alright guys, we rode the "LeBron doesn't have a ring yet so you should keep watching to see if he gets one" story line as long as we could. We bribed the Cleveland front office for 6 years to avoid talented free agents and make terrible draft picks. We planted the idea of a super team in the minds of Dwyane Wade and several of LeBron's "friends". Now that he's "redeemed" himself, we need a new angle. What do you got?
Intern #1 : Research shows that we could dominate the 12-18 viewer demographic if the Lakers signed Justin Bieber as a mascot/6th man with the stipulation that we rename the team the Los Angeles Biebers.
DS : Well that name more aptly applies than the current name... How does Kobe feel about this?
Intern #1 : As long as Justin stands in the corner and only takes 2 shots a game and the Black Mamba gets his 30, he said he's cool with it.
DS : I'll think about it. NEXT!
Skip Bayless (SB) : Well, I could do a complete 360 on ESPN First Take, start calling Kevin Durant a choke artist, and kind of do a LeBron Redux but instead of hating LBJ for leaving his home town, I can hate on Kevin Durant and insist he isn't that good because he doesn't have a championship ring yet!
DS : Hmmmm... Any chance we can get KD to leave the Thunder in a few years to flee for the soon-to-be Las Vegas franchise we're getting set up?
SB : It doesn't seem likely. KD seems 100% genuine and dedicated to Oklahoma City. Plus he doesn't have the same influential entourage that LeBron did.
DS : Well, Skip, I know this isn't the first time you've heard this but you sir, are an idiot. NEXT!
Intern #2 : Sir. We have several personalities vying to become the next "Big Three." We need to somehow guide Dwight Howard, Deron Williams, and Yi Jianlian to play for the Dallas Mavericks when Dirk moves to the Suns to be reunited with Steve Nash and rehabilitated by the magical medical staff there.
DS : And how, may I ask, does Yi Jianlian fit into a "Big Three?"
Intern #2 : We crunched some numbers and found that jersey sales in China would more than make up for the money we'd have to pay in legal fees to fight the anti-collusion law suit following a federal investigation of "illegal activities" in getting the team together.
DS : I love when a plan comes together.
Intern #2 : Sir, are you quoting the A-Team?
DS : Maybe... Call me maybe.
Intern #2 : Sir, are you now quoting Carly Rae Jespen?
DS : No, that would contradict our exclusive Justin-Beiber-and-Steve-Nash-are-the-only-Canadian-born-celebrities-we-can-support contract I just signed. Anyone else like to say or suggest anything?
Faceless ESPN Head Honcho (HH) : We've beaten the LeBron horse so many times, people are beginning to have flash backs to Barbaro. However, we believe that if we unleash a sort of Tiger Woods-esque scandal on LeBron, we can start the whole thing over again, just from a morality perspective rather than a championship perspective.
DS: I'm listening...
HH : We'll make a big hour-long special with LeBron's soon-to-be-wife and his hmmm,... let's say three adulterers. Have them line up and have LBJ make another "Decision". Then see where he decides to take his, er, um, 'talents.' We'll do the whole LeBron is the biggest villian in the league theme again, only this time only the most depraved, soulless people will defend him. That is, until he wins 4 championships in a row, donates millions to charity, and, through a program lead by Tony Dungy and Tim Tebow, swears off all wrong doing of any kind. It will be the best redemption story this side of Shawshank! What do you think?
DS : That has legs... I like it!... On second thought what the hell, let's try all of them! Remember guys, this is the NBA, it's faaaaaaaaan-tastic!
No comments:
Post a Comment