Troy Tulowitzki is Justin Bieber

Disclaimer: The following post may be considered ridiculous by some.

Drafted seventh overall in the 2005 MLB Draft, Troy Tulowitzki (hence forth known as Tulo because spelling his last name is bothersome) was a can’t miss prospect with spectacular defense and a well-developed bat. He made his major league debut August 30, 2006. As soon as he hit the big show, he was a sensation. Cal Ripken, Jr. has been quoted as saying, “He has a strong offensive game, but defensively, he’s unbelievable. He really thinks about the position, all aspects of the game. I love that about him” (USA Today). There appeared to be no doubt Tulo would be a future star.

Born in Stratford, Ontario, Canada, Justin Bieber became a YouTube sensation overnight. At fourteen, he was recognized by manager Scooter Braun and soon signed to a deal that involved a joint venture with Usher. It was then only a matter of time before his face was on everything from paper plates to backpacks. His every word made teenage girls swoon and Tina Fey lustfully stated in an SNL skit, “His smile is like watching a baby bunny sniff a tiny flower.”

You can tell that the metaphor is pretty obvious. JB makes girls scream almost as much as Tulo makes baseball writers drool. Tulo is currently the Justin Bieber of baseball. He has youth (the parallel there is fairly obvious), transcendent defense (Bieber’s image), and an ability to carry a team (Bieber has the ability to carry the ratings of anything, such as the NBA Celebrity game).

When trouble struck Tulo’s 2010 season in the form of a fractured wrist, the Rockies and much of baseball held their collective breath. Meanwhile, Bieber fans shuttered at the thought of his voice changing destroying his angelic range and heart-melting high notes. Both, however, came back with a vengeance. Tulo in the form of a September with the following stats: 15 HRs, 40 RBIs, 30 runs scored, and a .800 slugging percentage. Bieber recovered by dominating the pop landscape with My World 2.0 including the single “Baby” which is now the highest viewed clip on YouTube. Ever. (Of course, Carlos Gonzalez was the Ludacris to Tulo’s Justin.)

Why make such a ridiculous metaphor? Because in this day and age of Twitter, Facebook, and instant access to all kinds of media, people are hyped like never before. Those of us lucky enough to have spectacular skills (in one form or another) are glorified beyond belief. The parallels don’t stop in that regard. Tulo is already being hailed as the “best player in baseball” even though his current average WAR per season is 3.3. JB is being hailed as a global icon and superstar even though 85% of the population probably thinks he is incredibly annoying and talentless. While both have done so much, there is still so much to do. After an unbelievable start to the season, Tulo has cooled off offensively. And while Bieber’s concert movie out-did box office projections, critics about his actual talent still remain.

As any of my close friends and fantasy baseball compatriots would tell you, I am incredibly skeptic when it comes to young MLB talent. I need proof before I trust someone to put up above average stats. And Tulo really needs to prove it to me. Two great seasons doesn’t make you a hall of famer, let alone the best player in the league. No, I am not skeptical of Tulo’s talent but I question his ability to sustain success in the show.

From what I have read, Tulo is not only talented on the field but a great addition to the clubhouse and strongly symbolizes what the Rockies are currently trying to achieve: gutsy play and success through youth. Troy has the tools to get the job done but I will wait to pass judgment. Best shortstop since A-Rod or Ripken? We’ll see.

But I’m sure Tulo (as well as Justin) will tell you, “I will never say never.”

Bonus MLB player/Pop artist comparisons

Jose Bautista as Lady Gaga because he busted on the scene with such random fashion much in the same way as Gaga. His power display last year is similar to Gaga’s release of her album, The Fame. Jose was born this way.

Roy Halladay as Rihanna because he consistently has put out incredible statistics for years now just as Rihanna has continued to put out number one singles. Sadly, I don't think Halladay is an S & M type.

Miguel Cabrera as Chris Brown because he has a sweet swing (Brown’s voice) and has a tendency of being suspected of domestic violence.

Andre Ethier as Katy Perry because he is hot and so is she. And his last name starts with ET.

Albert Pujols as the Black Eyed Peas because he is always at or near the top of the MVP voting and the BEPs are always at or near the top of the Billboard Hot 100. I gotta feeling... Albert might break out of his current slump.

Ryan Braun as Ke$ha because he is youthful, just got a ton of money, and seems like he loves to party. And we know that’s the only thing Ke$ha does.

Last but not least…

Lance Berkman as Doctor Dre (Yes, I know he’s a rapper) because he looked left for dead at the end of last season but must have had a doctor bring him back to life. But he won't crack a bottle just yet.

Excuse Me for Being Cliche

For a sports fan, right now is an exciting time. The NBA and NHL playoffs are in full swing, packed with interesting story lines like the upstart Grizzlies and defining moments in Alexander Ovechkin's career approaching quickly. Baseball is flying into its second month of play with the Indians successfully continuing to shock the AL and young stars rising throughout the league. For those with a less typical sports palate, Chelsea is attempting an incredible challenge for the Premiership League title, the Champions League is winding down to an intriguing final, the French Open is quickly approaching, and the PGA US Open is beginning to pop up on the upcoming events radar.

However, when I checked out ESPN.com on Monday morning, the homepage picture wasn't of Wade staring down one of the Celtics he dropped 38 points on or Lecavalier netting his game-winning overtime goal against the Capitals. It was an unnamed fan at the Mets-Phillies Sunday night baseball game, proudly displaying his USA baseball jersey with a smile across his face.

The events of late Sunday night rung out throughout the country and reminded me (and many others I’m sure) that there is something else going on in the world besides sports. But rather than the events making me think, “Wow, look at how unimportant sports are in the grand scheme of things,” they made me think, “Wow, sports are more important than most people really give them credit for.”

And allow me to explain through several over-used cliches.

Cliche #1 - “It’s just a game.”

Every time I would walk into school the day after one of the team’s I root for was eliminated from their respective playoff, I’d be depressed, downtrodden, and just slightly happier than Tony Montana when he finds Manny and Gina together. And every time someone, usually a girl, would ask, “What’s wrong?” I would tell them and they’d reply with one of my least favorite phrases ever penned in the English language: “It’s just a game.”

People who really understand sports know that this is couldn’t be any further from the truth. Just a game would not motivate people to pour gallons of sweat on old high school gymnasium floors. Or sacrifice their body running full speed into a catcher. Or take a puck to the face, only to get stitches, lose three teeth, and miss only ten minutes of ice time. No, sports are not just a game. They aren’t just a game to the athletes who play them with unbridled intensity and they aren’t just a game to the fans who invest their livelihood into their teams.

Your rebuttal may be, “Well, you don’t even play the game, how can you care so much?” I would say that as you watch a team day in and day out, you feel like you know them. The athletes become a part of your every day life. You begin to see them more often than you see your extended family (and even some of your immediate family). The team is thoroughly entrenched in your life. And you can’t let go of something so omnipresent. Why would thousands of strangers show up for the funeral of Darryl Kile? Or millions mourn the early departure from this earth of Walter Peyton? Why do you think Brian’s Song is one of the few movies that can make any grown man cry? Just a game? Not bloody likely.

Cliche #2 – “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

Let me preface this section by saying that I often scorn athletes for taking the bigger contract. I’m not really sympathetic for either side of the NFL’s labor struggle because both sides are much wealthier than about 95% of the world’s population. Athletes do get paid an inordinate amount to play a game but that should not dehumanize them. And the spoiled athlete stereotype should not dominate the perceptions the everyday person has of the sports’ profession.

But as the old cliche indicates you shouldn’t place a label on the professional athlete. A majority of athletes are a lot more selfless than most people realize. Countless teams dedicate hundreds of hours a year giving back to the communities that support them throughout their season. Think college athletes are just spoiled and looking for an easy way to the pros? Think again.

For every Terrell Owens or OJ Simpson, there are a hundred Luke Scotts.

"Scott still travels to Venezuela each winter to spend time there and work charitable missions," reported Amy K. Nelson of ESPN.com. "He ships crates of baseballs and teaching and medical supplies there. And he works with Christian families who take kids in off the streets. Scott considers it God's work and does it with no publicity. He often will seek donations from teammates, and the rest he pays for himself"

Remember Pat Tillman? He gave up millions of dollars as an NFL cornerback to fight for his country as an Army Ranger and never returned. He died in the Afghan mountains in the prime of his life. He was an athlete. Remember Roberto Clemente? He was heavily involved in aiding several Latin American countries through humanitarian work. While traveling to Nicaragua to deliver food supplies and other aid to earthquake victims, his plane crashed and his body was never recovered. He was an athlete.

Sports can’t be just a game because the people who are a part of sports drastically change our social landscape. They make us think of things bigger than themselves and the game. The athletes aren’t really athletes except for at night with the bright lights on. They are people making a difference.

Cliche #3 – “Blood is thicker than water.”

The importance of sports pulsates through the complex structure of family and often times strengthens the bonds which are most essential to us. Don’t believe me? Ask any father and child who have bonded over a journey to the ballpark. Or any mother who donates her free time to watch her offspring play soccer or tennis. The bonds which hold our families together in today’s society are often strengthened by something only sports can offer.

As I trotted down my grandparent’s stairs on Easter Sunday and entered the basement, the scene in front of me looked like this: my dad, maternal grandfather, two uncles, great uncle, and second cousin were all circled around a table. In front of my dad lay an enormous book. The men were talking about baseball. The debates ranged from greatest pitcher ever (Bob Gibson was a strong dark horse candidate) to Gary Carter’s Hall of Fame candidacy (dicey at best). As I entered the fray, three generations talked seamlessly about a common topic. Can you imagine doing that about anything else? Like for example, my grandpa and I sitting down and talking about Twitter? That’s about as likely as JoePa getting a new pair of glasses.

Rick Riley wrote about how his father and him really only truly bonded over watching Jack Nicklaus play golf. Though they shared common blood, they were at times distant. But on Sundays, cheering on the Golden Bear to a victory became a common tie. What else has this affect on people? What else brings families together in such a way? What else necessitates such bonding, such common passion?

Cliche #4 – “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.”

One person cannot win a game (excluded individual sports like golf and tennis). It takes the perfect combination of all kinds of parts to make a team work. A successful team signifies everything that humanity should attempt to be: people making sacrifices for the betterment of those around them and contributing to a common goal with their maximum effort and attempting to reach their full potential. These are things that if applied to everyday life would ensure great things for countless individuals.

This not only applies to athletes coming together to make a team better. It applies to the fans, perfect strangers who high five each other at a bar or at the game. It applies to the people who flood the stadiums, arenas, and fields to cheer their team past its perceived maximum potential and reach that next level. When else do you see perfect strangers sit down next to each other, strike up a conversation, and two hours later, are talking like they’ve been friends for years? (Unless of course, you’re a Cardinals fan stuck next to a Cubs fan.) The camaraderie sports induce is unparalleled as they continually produce common bonds between seemingly different people. You could strongly dislike an acquaintance of yours, sit down with some common friends, watch a game in which you are cheering for the same team, and all hostility melts away.

If you doubt that sports are anymore than just some people running, skating, or throwing various objects in a usually rectangular environment, remember this; when Cote d’Ivoire qualified for the 2006 World Cup the country was being torn apart by a bloody civil war. The squad’s qualification jump-started a cease-fire and inspired President Gbagbo to restart peace talks. Les Elephants, as the team is known in their native country, literally saved thousands of lives by participation in the world’s most watched sporting event.

______________

I’m not trying to convince you to go memorize every statistic on Baseballreference.com and start buying season tickets to every local team. I’m not telling you to forget about the things you think are most important in your life. Obviously it isn’t the end of the world when your team is eliminated from the playoffs (though sometimes it really does feel like it). And I could list hundreds of different things that are much worse in the grand scheme of things. But before you down play the sports fanatic that lives next door or the girl who decks herself out in her team’s gear everyday, remember one cliche.

It’s much more than just a game.

Allow Me to Introduce Myself

How you’ve found this site, I have no idea. Maybe you searched “mildly entertaining writings on sports by two bored college kids,” or you have the dorm room doldrums and are looking for a cure. Or maybe you’re answering our desperate plea for viewers via Facebook or Twitter.

No matter how you got here, welcome. The site started almost exactly a month ago by yours truly, a poor, bored college student. A student with, yes you guessed it, dorm room doldrums. We’re still working out the kinks but our goal is to provide entertaining sports opinions, theories, and whatever the heck else we want. We’re attempting to “expand” at the moment in the only ways we know how; bombarding people with obnoxious tweets, and Facebook statuses. Lets hope the day of spamming message boards and dropping flyers from an airplane doesn’t arrive. So if you feel so inclined, tell your friends who can tell their friends and we’ll have a nice little pyramid scheme going. Oh, and click on all the ads too.

Enough business, allow me to introduce myself… and Mark. We’ve known each other for about 15 years and have been arguing sports for about 20. He’s better than me at FIFA, or so he claims, but I’ll let my 11-234-9 record do the talking. He introduced me to Bill Simmons a while back who I think we’d both admit is responsible for our ambitions and this website. Mark’s technically not a college kid any more as he graduated from the University of Minnesota a year ago, but I still qualify him as one. I myself am transferring from Truman University to Mizzou and will be a sophomore next semester.

Now if we’re gonna get to know each other better lets move on to the important stuff, sports. Because Mark and I are from St. Louis we’ll probably be leaning toward Cardinals, Rams and Blues topics/best interests. If you don’t like it, then have fun with the Eastcoast Sports Preoccupied Network and never come back. Just kidding, refer back to paragraph 2 lines 7-8. But I personally tend to pull for Midwest teams and smaller markets as I can relate. Notice I said pull for; I’m exclusively a Cardinals, Rams, and Blues fan. But that’s another topic for another time.

To give you an idea of what you may hear in the future, here’s the extreme short version of some of my opinions: I am not a Lebron fan. I haven’t made up my mind on replay in baseball. My favorite sport is hockey. I’m obsessed with fantasy sports, but fantasy baseball in specific. I love Tiger Woods. I used to hate Kevin Garnett but as Bob Dylan once said, "the times they are a-changin' (but Ron Burgundy had never heard that song...)". Peyton Manning is better than Tom Brady, fact. Jim Edmonds is the greatest baseball player of all time (kidding…sort of). And I’m rooting for an NFL lockout (again…sort of).

As you can tell by now, I’m not the smoothest writer nor am I good with grammar and spelling. However the goal is to get sports opinions and concepts out there, the Pulitzer Prize isn’t quite an objective of mine yet.

Hopefully you’ll give us a chance and enjoy the ride with us.

Feel free to comment like Franklin earned a save.

Rodents are Prevalent: Franklin's Gopher Balls and Punxsutawney Phil

Since reading my first Bill Simmons column a few years back, I have been in love. I know what you're thinking but no, I didn't fall for ole Billy. (However, in a related note, he did quickly establish himself as my favorite sports writer.) No, I fell for the sport/movie extended metaphor which plays a role in Bill's unique style and sense of humor.

The love affair was only natural. My two favorite things to discuss and watch, sports and movies, combined in a humorous and informative way into one topic is one of the best things I have happened across in the last few years. Well, that and Christopher Nolan's filmography. Comparing seemingly unrelated movies and the happenings in the current sports landscape is not only a challenging mental exercise, but a way to create a hybrid topic which appeals to both film fanatics and sports supporters. So without further ado, in honor of Mr. Simmons and a topic which has frustrated myself and many of my St. Louis-based friends, I give you Groundhog Franklin.

Any baseball fan around 18 years of age or older has had the feeling for at least a season (or maybe two or three). Your roster has someone established as your closer who just absolutely loses their stuff. They can't paint the corners. They hang breaking balls. They get a pained look across their face eerily similar to Steve Bartman in Game 6 as they watch balls sail out of the park. And the guy who had 30 saves for your team last year now has a 8.75 ERA and an extremely bruised ego.

Enter the 2011 edition of the St. Louis Cardinals and their closer, Ryan Franklin, two years removed from a season where he had 38 saves and a 1.92 ERA. First game of the 2011 season, the Cardinals have a 3-2 lead entering the bottom of the ninth inning. Franklin retires the first two batters with deceitful ease. Then hangs a breaking ball that David Eckstein could have hit 500 hit feet to Cameron Maybin, who proceeds to launch it out of the park for a game-tying home run. Needless to say, the Cards lost in 11 innings. And then, as New Found Glory famously says, "it's all downhill from here." Franklin goes on to blow 4 out of 5 save opportunities, compile a pleasant 0-3 record, and accumulate a sadly robust 8.68 ERA in 9.1 innings of work.

Now how does this tie into a sports/movie metaphor? Well, from my perspective, watching Franklin stroll in from the bullpen makes me feel like Phil Connors hearing those sad Sonny and Cher lyrics, "then put your little hand in mine," over and over and over again as he repeats the same day of his life in the movie Groundhog Day. The parallels begin at the beginning of the movie, with Phil being a successful yet mean-spirited meteorologist. Franklin, while not mean-spirited, had success at the beginning of his tenure in St. Louis. However, things take a turn for the worst for both gentlemen when Phil gets stuck in his time loop and Franklin gets stuck in his "I can't hold a lead to save my life" phase.

Franklin's demotion from the closer role is the equivalent of Phil's "I'm going to attempt as many forms of suicide as possible" phase. Both hit the lowest of lows and are overcome with despair. Franklin decides to decry St. Louis fans, who have a well-known reputation as being some of the best fans in baseball, and Phil steals Punxsutawney Phil (the famous groundhog) and drives off a cliff. Old RF then gets thrown into several vital but non-save opportunities during the latter parts of close games. He continues to fail miserably just as Phil attempts to do good deeds and embrace the townspeople in order to break the time loop and inevitably still fails. The feeling Cardinals fans get when Franklin gives up a late inning RBI single is similar to the same feeling Phil gets when his love interest, Rita, slaps him after several failed advances. Both Cards fans and Phil are left with a pained, though not quite shocked, look on their face. Because let's be honest, this has happened before.

To further delve into the metaphor let's say that Tony LaRussa is Punxsutawney Phil because he went down with the ship that is Franklin, in a similar fashion that the groundhog went down in flames with Phil Connors as they drove off the cliff. Colby Rasmus is the infamous Ned Ryerson, a dunce-type insurance salesman who went to high school with Phil and happens to see him in Punxsutawney though the parallels are merely a comment on both inviduals apparent level of intelligence. Albert Pujols (at least the 2011 version) is the homeless man that Phil attempts to save from his imminent death before the day is over. Both characters are loveable and you want to see them succeed, but they keep ripping your hear out. The Cardinals' starting pitching staff are the Punxsutawney townspeople, both of which are continually getting screwed by Franklin and Phil, respectively. And Lance Berkman is Rita, because he has been saving Franklin's ass from avoiding an early-season implosion by putting up ridiculous numbers, much in the way Rita saves Phil and aides in the breaking of the time loop.

Fortunately for Phil, he does eventually get to February 3rd by befriending the townspeople and living a "perfect" day. Unfortunately for Cardinals' fans, there has been no indication that Franklin will ever reach a similar epiphany, as he continues to miss his spots and serve up gopher balls to unassuming hitters. The repetition is quite sickening. Close game, Franklin enters, Cardinals fans groan, he gives up some runs. Phil wakes up, hears Sonny cooing those words, smashes his alarm clock, and lives another Groundhog Day.

Currently, there is no end in sight. Franklin entered Sunday with the game tied and would get the loss by allowing a walk-off single in the ninth. At least Phil Connors got to hone some skills while stuck in the time warp, including learning French and how to ice sculpt and play the piano. I don't think Franklin has really learned anything, except how to turn some of baseball's best fans against you and make mediocre hitters look as clutch as Big Papi circa 2004. Sadly, LaRussa continues to stubbornly put Franklin in in clutch situations. And Franklin continues to drop the ball, or in this case, allow the ball to leave the park at extremely high velocities.

For the time being, Cardinals fans are stuck in quite a time loop, but look on the bright side: at least there's no Sonny and Cher involved in this one.

It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Draft

ESPN. The world wide leader in sports. Innovative beyond belief. Pioneers of the way sports and society interact. My favorite channel on TV. The creators of SportsCenter, the only show people will watch the same episode of over and over and over... And last but not least, the channel exclusively featuring only topics related to and concerning the NFL Draft.

On Thursday, amidst a very sticky and seemingly irreparable labor dispute, the 2011 NFL draft began at Radio City Music Hall in New York City. As boos showered down upon Commissioner Goodell, the event which ESPN had been meticulously covering since Mr. Irrelevant was drafted in the 2010 NFL Draft, had finally begun. The hundreds of hours spent analyzing players and their abilities had finally come to fruition. All the sweat, tears, and blood of dozens of collegiate athletes, and in Mel Kiper Jr's case, gallons of hair gel, had all been pointing to this day. The commercials, the 10-minute-long segments on SportsCenter, the constant interviews with Kiper and Todd McShay. They all were pieces of a puzzle that had finally been put together. But the puzzle had sadly become a 5000 piece jigsaw extravaganza.

I don't think there's a single event in American sports which does not involve actual competition that gets this much coverage. I say American sports because the draw for the World Cup is probably the most important sporting event that doesn't involve actual competition. However, we live in the USA and people don't realize (or care about) the importance of the draw. Anyways, that is not the discussion of this post. I just find it incredible that there is so much hype, advertising, and promotion of this event. It has become obnoxious and suffocating.

I understand. The NFL is currently recognized as the most popular professional sports league in our grand country. The sports masses have a addiction and there's only one cure.... more football. So transitively, the NFL Draft would of course become extremely popular. But still, I see Kiper and McShay on SportsCenter in May of 2010 projecting for the 2011 Draft. Once the Super Bowl is over, the reporting goes into overdrive, being rivaled in a historical context only by the media's coverage of the OJ Simpson trial and Michael Jackson's death. Obviously people need their NFL crack when the actual season is over. I get that. The addiction is hard to shake. But really EPSN? Every other commercial has to advertise the draft? I know the draft is on ESPN. Where the hell else would it be? I know that my team's future could be either built or destroyed. I don't need to be reminded every five minutes. Really? The Packers built their Super Bowl championship team through the draft? I thought they did so by importing small Japanese refugees and forcing them to train night in and night out to become football machines.

Listen, I love ESPN. I spend about 70% my internet time on ESPN.com. I spend about 60% of my TV viewing time on ESPN (acccording to Elias Sports Bureau). But its the Entertainment Sports Programming Network, not the NFL Draft Programming Network. While some coverage of the Draft is necessary and enjoyable, I think they've gotten a bit excessive in the past few years. The Draft Day coverage is nauseating. I almost lost my dinner listening to Chris Berman and the other pundits dissect each pick. And I didn't even eat a dinner. Gruden praises each draftee like they're the next (insert elite hall of famer of a given position here). And he has this stupid "Quarterback Camp" now that is the most obnoxious hour of sports television since the second time the World Series of Poker had an hour long segment. They need to tone it down. ESPN has become fatten from Draft gluttony. They're like the guy in Se7en who died from eating too much.

The solution is simple. Cover the draft in moderation. Give Kiper and McShay some time but only ten minutes on the second Thursday of every month, starting 3 months before the draft. Supplement the new massive quantities of open airtime with other sports. Get some variety going. Acknowledge hockey for once. Attempt to get people interested in soccer. Explain the rules of cricket. Make the sporting populous an educated one.

The NFL now dominates the American sporting landscape, but with the lockout looming like Edgar Allen Poe's Raven, we need to step back and take a moment to rethink the Draft obsession. ESPN has led the way. Their influence on the minds of American sports fans is unparalleled. They need to take an active role in toning the coverage down. For the sake of the other sports, which need our attention and demand our respect. The Draft is great but not the only thing happening in sports during a busy spring sports season. To paraphrase Scripture, "Man can not live on Draft alone."

Unless, of course, its Budweiser.

Blues 2010-2011 Grades

As with any team in any sport, the season eventually comes to an end. Sometimes with a solid playoff appearance, many times not even that far and most rarely of all with a championship victory. Then comes the lull for the fans. Fans of a championship team have the privilege to celebrate for weeks before beginning to think about the next year. But for the rest of us, reflection of the season that was sets in. Excitement, optimism, worry and panic for the next year are a few months away. In order to gain closure on the Blues 2010-2011 season lets look at each individual, grading their performance. For the NHL challenged, each player will also be compared to another athlete so you can get a feel for what type of player each Blue is.

Order: # of games played, least to most

Ben Bishop: 7gp, 2.76 GAA .899 SV% - B-
Chaminade grad Bishop gets a B- on the year. This is the type of B- where you're sitting on a 79.5% but the teacher mercifully bumps you up. He had 2 outstanding games, 2 good games, and 3 stinkers. The potential is there but the consistency isn't. He's a lot like Rick Porcello of the Detroit Tigers. Potential is there but how much? You wouldn't be surprised if he becomes a solid #2 pitcher, (solid NHL starter) or a decent #3/4 pitcher (good NHL backup). Only time will tell.

Blues Wrap-Up

Anyone who watched the Blues 2010-2011 season rode the cliche "roller coaster" of ups and downs. However disturbingly the ride seemed to be a majority of down slopes after the impressive 9-1-2 start in October. Compared to the 2009 heroic late season surge to the playoffs and 2010's choking away of leads in the third, this season lacked the emotional toying of the heart but in the end was very predictable. Ever since Joe "I ruin young careers full of potential" Thornton elbowed Mr. Perron in the head, the team seemed to be going no where. But it wasn't just Perron's absence that lowered spirits. The team lost Jackman, Steen, McDonald, Halak, Coliaccovo, Polak, Sobotka and Oshie for extended periods of time. 2009 took on the youngsters with something to prove aura. They never gave up and made an improbable playoff push becoming one of the hottest teams in league within the last few months. Unfortunately they were swept by a the Canuckleheads in the first round. 2010 became a season full of promise, ultimately sliding away. Yet it was ok, the team was young, it was a learning experience. 2011 will be seen as the year of excuses. It started with great expectations. First as a dangerous playoff team, then as a legitimate contender. But that didn't last long. As soon as Perron went down and the injury bug bit a few players the team seemed to take on the "well this isn't our year either" attitude. You could see it coming a mile away. Unfortunately the pile of injuries only grew throughout, never giving the team a chance to regain confidence and surge back. Flashes of brillance hit here and there. The Blues beat some top notch teams, but then would fall to teams like the Blue Jackets. Yes, the Bjs. In the end it became pretty predictable. We weren't going to make the playoffs. We had already decided to give up. No worries, we can blame injuries. We lost our star in the making. We lost our veteran D-man. We lost our up and coming goaltender. We lost our spark plug. The forgiving St. Louis fans will be compassionate as always. Well time is running out. The fans, and ownership have given plenty of chances. It's time to start winning no matter how young, or injured the team is. If the Johnson/Stewart trade didn't send the message, i don't know what would. I have full confidence in this team, and really am full of optimism going into the offseason. I can't wait til next year, hopefully it will be an uphill ride.

Reimer Remix

Cardinals Friday Meeting

Scene: Busch Stadium locker room. Tony Larussa is standing in front of Pujols, Holliday, Wainwright, and Carpenter.

LaRussa: Ok guys, that loss yesterday was brutal, we can play better than that. You guys are the leaders of this team, what are we gonna do to prevent that from happening again?

Wainwright: Get me a new arm?

Carpenter: Get me a defense?

Holliday: My stomach hurts.

LaRussa: Shut up, Matt.

Pujols: We lost?

LaRussa: Yes Albert, we lost. In large part cause of your grounding into 3 double plays.

Pujols: I promise I won't hit into three double plays for you next year...

Carpenter: This is my fault. I knew if I didn't throw a perfect game we'd lose.

LaRussa: You did fine, it's not like you gave up a bomb with 2 outs in the ninth...

Franklin (poking head in door): I heard that.

LaRussa: Sorry Ryan.

(John Mozeliak runs in the door crying and kneels at Pujol's feet)

Mozeliak: Please Albert, please don't leave. If you stay I'll name the team after you, I'll make LaRussa apologize for the 2007 all-star game, I'll give you my firstborn child, I won't tell that you use ster..

Pujols: Whats that?

Mozeliak: Nothing.

Holliday: My stomach hurts.

LaRussa: Shut up, Matt.

Schumaker: Hey guys, have you seen my shake weight?

Carpenter (picks up and tosses "shake weight for women"): Yeah, here.

(Schumaker drops it)

Pujols: Didn't you used to play outfield?

Wainwright (to Mozeliak): Can we trade him for a closer?

Mozeliak: I've tried, every other team realizes his value as a triple A backup.

(Rasmus enters)

Rasmus: You guys see that Reds walkoff?

LaRussa (to Mozeliak): I told you he's a traitor! He's a cancer to our team, trade him.

Mozeliak: I've tried, every other team realizes that he's an outfielder full of potential that he'll never reach, is injury prone, and the ladies love him but he is really only good for a 2 week hot streak, and beyond that is utterly useless.

Carpenter: Like J.D. Drew?

Mozeliak: Not even that good.

Pujols: Like Rick Ankiel?

Mozeliak: Ok better than that.

(Theriot enters)

Theriot: I'm gonna put up a big sign that says "The Riot" over my locker! How cool is it that my name spells the words, the and riot?!

Rasmus: Woah, you're right it does!

Pujols: You didn't know that?..

LaRussa: They don't teach reading and writing until 8th grade in Georgia. Colby didn't get that far.

Theriot: Roll me that duct tape will ya Waino?

(Wainwright rolls the duct tape over, Theriot fumbles it under a table and down a vent)

(Enter Mike Shannon)

Shannon: Hey boys ha ha. Listen to er this here er joke I found on the world wide web ha ha. Apparently you’re not allowed to bring an I-Pad into Yankee Stadium. Which means if you want to look at an expensive, overrated slab at a Yankee game, you’ll just have to watch A-Rod. ha ha. ha. ha ha ha.

Wainwright: What'd he say?

Holliday: My stomach hurts.

Carpenter: I thought he wasn't allowed in here when he's drunk?

Pujols: But then he'd never be allowed in.

Carpenter: Exactly.

(Shannon passes out in a locker)

LaRussa: Lets get out of here before he wakes up.

(LaRussa and Wainwright sprint to the door. Carpenter pulls a groin getting up too quickly, while Pujols jogs making sure not to break a nail.)

Closing the Opening

Opening day. If you're an American I'm just going to assume its on your list of top 10 days of the year. Probably behind Christmas, Thanksgiving, March Madness day 1, and the day EA releases the new NHL. Or maybe that's just me. Nonetheless you've probably read a million Buster Olney or Matthew Berry articles drooling over opening day and how wonderful it is to start anew in the spring time air. So I'll skip that paragraph full of cliches and just say, I agree.

Due to some Friday dorm room doldrums, (see what i did there, see how i incorporated the title like a bad Nic Cage movie) I decided to recap what happened in Thursday and Friday's openers. Something I really like by the way, it's like March Madness day 1. Games staggered throughout each day, allowing fans to see more baseball from different teams. Really it feels like an extension of the weekend before it arrives, well done Selig. Now lets see if i can close these games out better than Franklin, Lyon and Axford.

Braves at Natinals Nationals

Braves win this opener in Washington D.C. 4-2. Derek Lowe started his third straight opening day and pitched pretty darn well. 5.2IP, 3H, 6K, and gets the W. Even if it was against the Nationals, I guess they do have silver slugger Ryan Zimmerman and Jayson "Not" Werth $120 million. Braves hitting also looked solid. Someone told Chipper it was 1999 and Heyward that is was opening day.

Tigers at Yankees

Our boy Buster Olney reports that CC cut down on the Captain Crunch and lost some weight. No joke. I know its April fools but seriously. He must have given his left over boxes to Joba "the hut" who enters fatter than ever. I think he's competing with Bartolo Colon to see who makes the Biggest Loser first. Yankees won 6-3 off a lucky Grandershit career day.

Angels at Royals

Jered Weaver picked up where he left off last year, and so did the Royals. Angels win 4-2 off a Hunter bomb. I keep thinking he's gonna lose it one of these years.

Padres at Cardinals

Wainwright Carpenter had good stuff in the opener but a valuable quality start was wasted by a team that has learned how to lose games really well. Schumaker needs some stickem, Albert needs to use an MLB 2k10 flyball swing, Franklin needs to die, and Theriot needs to learn fundamentals. Yes, I know the Cubs didn't stress the importance of fielding a rolling ball, but in this baseball town its semi-important. The Cards filed papers to enter the NBA where they could play all offense and no D, but were denied when news of Holliday's appendectomy arrived. Lets hope the whole season isn't like the opener otherwise Albert is gonna want out in a hurry. Padres win 5-3.

Brewers at Reds

The Reds got a lucky walk off on a crappy closer. Dusty either thinks he won his first game ever or is a 5 year old girl. Although he has done this before. Reds win 7-6.

Giants at Dodgers

The Giants win the world series and don't get to start their season at home. If I was a Giant fan I'd be rather upset by that, seems pretty disrespectful to me. But really this is all that matters and is awesome. Dodgers won 2-1 in a great pitchers duel.

White Sox at Indians
A crazy game that ended with 25 total runs. White Sox started off blowing up Fausto Carmona and had a 14-0 lead at one point. However the Native Americans made a comeback including a Carlos Santana home run that led to a 15-10 ending. White Sox win.

Astros at Phillies
Who would have thought that the Astro's senior citizen Brett Myers would stay even with Roy Halladay, leading to a 4-2 win. That must have been too good for Brandon Lyon to be a part of since he completely self destructed in the ninth. He looked 10 times worse than Ryan Franklin. Ok, 5 times worse. Ok, 2 times worse? Who knows what happened, his jersey was either broken or he thought he was throwing batting practice. Phillies get a lucky 5-4 walkoff victory.

Red Sox at Rangers
This game was surprisingly on ESPN, every analyst got off their knees in the Boston locker room just in time to announce it. So what if I am jealous Boston gets 100 times the amount of coverage as St. Louis. Whatever we're both 0-1. Rangers win 9-5.

Pirates at Cubs
"Ace" (try not to laugh) Ryan Dempster, gave up a grand slam to Neil Walker in the fifth. That's all the Pirates needed to win 6-3. I'd say more about this game, but I don't want people to get bored and leave.

Twins at Blue Jays
The Blue Jays attempt to do nothing but hit home runs again this year, as they hit 4 off Pavano's porn stache. Arencibia hit 2, trying to prove he's the real deal and Bautista hit 1, killing everyone who placed a bet on the under for over/under 1 homerun for Bautista this year. Let me know when he hits 20 this year and maybe I'll consider him legit. Twins get mauled and lose 13-3.

Diamondbacks at Rockies
The Diamondbacks do us all a favor by taking a baby step towards proving Ubaldo's start last year was a fluke, and he's nothing close to a CY Young candidate. Justin Upton goes bomb squad and the D-backs win 7-6 in extras.

Orioles at Rays
The game was a shocker, Zobrist proved he isn't allergic to home runs and David Price lost his first game. Johnny Damon sucked in the outfield though so the game wasn't really all that shocking. The Orioles won 4-1 and are goin places under Buck "trash talking" Showalter.

Mets at Marlins
The Mets can't hit, or pitch. John Buck hit a grand slam. Josh Johnson was beastly. Seems pretty predictable to me. Marlins win 6-2.

Mariners at Athletics
This game is still in the 7th at the moment with the Mariners up 4-2. Felix is cool, the A's drool. Really who cares about how this ends up, they both play in stadiums that take up half their state.